Yesterday, I went tubing on the Comal river in New Braunfels with Barb, Keef, Dan, Melanie, Fread, Peggy, Felipe, and Laney.  I’d never been on that river before, as we usually go to San Marcos for tubing so that was a bit of an adventure in and of itself.  This morning I woke up and my joints were sore as shit.  I’m pretty sure these two events are somehow related.

The Comal was a much more abusive ride than the San Marcos river because of their “tube chutes” designed to help propel you down the river even faster.  It’s quite easy to fly out of your tube at these sections of the river, lose your beer, hat, sandals, etc.  Anyway, after the second chute I fell out of my tube and was getting back in when part of our gang and their cooler clotheslined me from behind, knocked me on my ass, and dragged me with the floats for a few feet.

I don’t think I’ve shouted “MOTHER FUCKERS” that many times successively in my entire life.  Especially at my friends.  Jesus.  I guess it was probably pretty funny.

Anyway, once we got beyond the tube chutes, the ride was kosher.  I’d offer deeper insight except marathon drinking & hanging out in the sun has a way of making you not remember all the gory details. Regardless, it’s still how I prefer to spend hot weekend days.  Afterwards we went to Ruby’s for BBQ.

So I went on vacation last week. I haven’t taken a real vacation in quite a long time. I’ve taken more than my share of “staycations”- to quote that ugly word bandied around and mocked by the Daily Show- but this year it was time to do something different. I went to Chicago.

I haven’t been in Chicago in quite a long time- just a few months shy of six years, actually. My buddy Jonah has lived there since 2003 and the last time I’d been up to see him was a few months after he moved there on my very first paid vacation from a job. Over the years I’ve seen Jonah back in Omaha a few times, but never managed to get away from wherever I was living for a real vacation. Anyway, I could spend an entire blog talking about what a bummer feeling stuck in Omaha or Council Bluffs is and blowing vacation time there and stuff- but that’s neither really here nor now and I’m fairly satisfied being a person who periodically gets to take real vacations again. So there.

I can’t really tell you how much Chicago has changed since I was last there- some things I recognized- especially around the Andersonville & Wrigleyville neighborhoods- but mostly I think my perception of big cities has changed. I was more impressed with the public transit this go around than I was the first time (and I was impressed with it the first go round too) and I’d guess that probably has something to do with using it as my primary means of getting around in Austin. I was amazed at the buses that absolutely dwarf CapMetro’s buses. I enjoyed the long train rides & the roof top type scenery that one only takes in on an El.

We did some touristy things- a trip to the Field Museum and the Lincoln Park Zoo, visited some comic shops- Chicago Comics & Quimby’s, ate out at some great restaurants (I didn’t manage to bring my Moleskine with me, so I only remember Hop Haus offhand…but we’ll get to that in a moment), hung out with some other Omaha escapees (Krin & Andy), watched the Cubs beat the Astros during their opening game, drank more than a few Old Styles (one thing I cannot get in Texas), and hung out a lot. It was good to catch up with Jonah. It was nice to meet his fiance Nicole. It was fun to take a sort of tour of my pal’s life for a few days and have a cool city as the backdrop.

Now, I mentioned Hop Haus. We ate at Hop Haus twice during my stay, and I really gotta say I liked the place. It was a small sports bar, restaurant, and really the kind of bar that I’ve grown fonder of as I’ve gotten older. The menu featured several different kinds of mini-burgers from a variety of different animals. Here’s what I ate over the course of two visits there:

Kangaroo.
Buffalo (which I have eaten many times previously, but always enjoy).
Wild Boar.They also had Ostrich on the menu, which I would have also added were I not stuffed to the gills on the other three. So it goes.

I don’t think I can adequately express in words how much joy eating a motherfucking Kangaroo gave me. I really don’t know how to say it. I just don’t understand why humans spent so many years boxing Kangaroos when we could have been dicing them up and eating them all along. I spent 15 minutes over lunch trying to locate restaurants in Austin that serve Kangaroo or where I can buy Kangaroo meat at, but I’m coming up with nothing so far. Oh well. Perhaps this is a delicacy I cannot over indulge in.

Vacation was satisfying. It was nice to spend a week off work and recharge the ol’ batteries. Two thumbs up!

I really like bad movies.Oh sure, I like good movies too- but really- honestly- as long as I’m not bored to tears I can watch anything all the way through and I’ll probably have fun. I may not love what I’m watching, but if I can at least laugh at it (or with it), I’ll watch anything.This, however, is not meant to be a discussion of my love of crap, but rather a review of a real, honest-to-god, turd of a movie that Netflix mailed me yesterday: The Edge of Quarrel.Punk Rockers always bitch and moan when those big Hollywood types stick their cinema fingers into their favorite subculture, but this movie just goes to show you that if you give the punks a video camera, script writing duties, and the time to make a movie, they too will turn out something so bad and cringe worthy that you almost think Hollywood machine may not be so bad after all. At the very least, I dug the soundtrack.

Filmed on Super 8 and featuring members of Trial, Botch, the Murder City Devils, Modest Mouse, Minus the Bear, Wax Wing, and plenty of other Seattle area local music talent (you could probably spend the latter half of a day googling this shit- these were just the ones I knew offhand), the movie does manage to maintain at least all the appeal and charm of a 1990’s skate video. The plot follows a storyline that can only be described as a two hour exploration of themes laid out in the Operation Ivy song “Unity” (running time two minutes and thirteen seconds), chiefly “There’s a war goin’ down between my brothers tonight/ I don’t want no war/ goin’ down/ goin’ down tonight/ stop this war”.

The Edge of Quarrel tells the tale of a “gang” war between a crew of jockish Straight Edge Hardcore kids and a tribe of nihilistic, drunk addled, drunken punks. Beat downs are doled out at every opportunity and with the littlest provocation any and everywhere save for the one local record store (”it’s sacred ground”). The plot follows Brian (played by Rocky Votolato) who has returned home from a 4 year stint in college to his unnamed hometown where his childhood friends Jason (played by Aaron Edge) and Chance (played by Dann Gallucci) are now in charge of the rival Straight Edge and Punk factions.

The poorly written script was perfectly accented by the total inability of any of the “actors” to convincingly act. The story spends entirely too long explaining differences in hardcore and punk rock to an audience that more than likely already is going to know the differences, especially when it comes to talking about lifestyle choices like straight edge or whatever. In fact, the only reason that Netflix recommended it to me was because I’d queued some Murder City Devils movies. Anyway, as much criticism as I can offer for this movie- and it was a horrible, horrible piece of shit- the thing I enjoyed about it was it’s sincerity. The actors look serious when they’re delivering their poorly written lines. It’s a movie about punk rock made by punk rockers and every little bit of it’s production shows that. Don’t get me wrong- if you don’t enjoy bad movies you won’t like this one- but I haven’t laughed at a movie this hard in….I don’t know…weeks maybe?

Anyway, there you have it: The Edge Of Quarrel. A movie you’ll swear a 14 year old wrote, ponder why 20something Musicians would actually want to appear in it, and a soundtrack you’ll probably enjoy if you liked any of the bands I liked in the last ten years.

Something amazing happened yesterday for me. Chiefly, it involves a brand new product to the market that amounts to basically being a Snuggie for babies. It’s called the Peekaru and the first image that I and many other people saw of this product reminded us of several different science fiction movies. Anyway, this little godsend has been a big part of my MS Paint art for the past two days.

Item #1: Joe has two nuts.  They are pecans.  Emily has 9 times as many nuts (pecans) as Joe but only half as many as Roxanne.  Roxanne has 4 times as many nuts (pecans) as Billy Bob who happens to have 1000 fewer nuts (pecans) than Mrs. Reubans (hag)  the old widow who lives alone at the end of Elmwood Lane.  Mrs. Reubans (hag) has twenty corpses (dead bodies) in her basement.  Her next door neighbor Milkman Ed has twice as many corpses (dead bodies) in his basement as Mrs. Reubans but only 3/4ths as many corpses (dead bodies) as Crazy Jack Donally (douche bag) the used Car Salesman up the street.  Crazy Jack Donally (douche bag) has one third of the corpses (dead bodies) of the United Methodist Graveyard in his basement.  How many of the corpses (dead bodies) are policemen?  Also, how many nuts (pecans) does Billy Bob have?  Please state your answer in the form of a Venn diagram.

Item #2: The Chinese railroad is not merely an important part of American History but it is also a state of mind.  I would like you to sit on the floor in a lotus position and to please close your eyes.  Clear your mind.  Clear your mind.  Clear your __________.  You are light as a board and stiff as a feather.  With your eyes closed I would like you to imagine the sound of running water.  Imagine you are sitting next to a trickling stream in public restroom.  You are sitting directly between two bidets and two fat women come into the restroom, lift up their dresses and plop down.  Don’t move.  You must remain perfectly still.  The water continues to trickle.  You can hear it.  Drip. Drip. Drip. Tinkle. Tinkle. Tinkle. Drip.  One of the women cuts a loud fart and instead of being startled you breath deeply and exhale through your nose.  You count to ten. Eins. Zwei. Drei. Vier. Fünf. Sechs. Sieben. Acht. Neun. Zehn.  The trickles continue.  You open your eyes.  The fat women are not actually women but sentient robots sent back from the future to destroy you.  The Chinese railroad is a state of mind.  You count to ten.  Uno. Dos. Tres. Cuatro. Cinco. Seis. Siete. Ocho. Nueve. Diez.  The sentient robots from the future sent back in time to destroy you morph into butterflies and flutter away towards Mexico.  The Chinese railroad is a state of mind.

Item #3: A guy walks into the bar.  Under his left arm he has a duck with a nail driven through it’s head and in his right hand is a fully loaded, Uzi Sub machine Gun with suppressor.   The guy walks through the bar and grimaces at everybody he walks past.  He walks up to the jukebox, plugs it full of quarters, and plays all of the Cure’s “Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me” album.  As the drinkers begin to ease up he walks over to the bar and flops his duck down on the counter top.  The duck is bleeding profusely from the head, but manages a quack.  The bartender nods and pours down six shots of Jose Cuervo Tequila.  The duck flops over to the shot glasses, picks them up one at a time with his beak, and downs the tequila in six big gulps.  The jukebox sings “You’re so gorgeous I’ll do anything.  I’ll kiss you from your feet to where your head begins. You’re so perfect. You’re so right as rain. You make me, make me, make me, make hungry again…”  The duck falls off the bar.  The nail pops out of his head. Blood sprays everywhere.  The guy looks at his Uzi and slides it across the bar.  The bartender nods and picks it up.  The bartender’s grip tightens around the trigger and he grabs the suppressor with his left hand.  He walks around from behind the bar and levels it at the quacking, bleeding duck and pulls the trigger.  The drinkers scream.  A flag flies out of the barrel and says “BANG!”- just like that, even with an exclamation point!  The bartender shakes his head.  The jukebox sings “Spinning on that dizzy edge. I kissed her face and kissed her head and dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow.  ‘Why are you so far away?’ she said. ‘Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you? That I’m in love with you.’”  The duck stands up and covers the hole in his head with a tuft of feathers.  The duck hops up onto the counter and stares right at the bartender.  He squints him down and shakes his head.

“Fuck you,” says the Duck.

“Go fuck a duck,” says the Bartender.

Item #1: A tree falls in a forest and hits a mime- incidentally, the mime is also a lumberjack & all the lumberjacks in his company are mimes, and that being the case we are left with many unanswered questions- chiefly 1) If a mime is a lumberjack and chopping down trees is he using an actual ax or is it a pantomimed ax? 2) Was the tree visible to human eyes or was it merely a part of an act 3) If the tree was in fact a real tree how did it fall down? Was this a force of nature? What was the average MPH speed of the wind? 4) Do lumberjack mimes wear black flannel? 5) Did it make a sound?

Item #2: Two cars are traveling down the same one lane country road at 75 miles per hour in the dead of night- their bright lights are turned on- the radio is cranked up extra loud- they are currently 10 miles apart. Car #1 contains a driver who has drank three six packs of Old Milwaukee, one half pint of Canadian Springs whiskey, snorted 2 grams of powder methamphetamine, and is listening to .38 Special’s Greatest Hits. Car #2 contains a driver who has just shot and killed his wife, teenage daughter, and 5 year old son, stuffed their bodies in the trunk and is speeding down the road so he can dispose of the evidence. He has been eating oxycodone every day for the past six months and has lately been experiencing the intestinal cramping that comes with damaging a GI tract. If both cars continue at the current speed, and both drivers are extraordinarily distracted, which one will veer off the road into the drainage ditch first? Also, what kinds of cars are they driving?

Item #3: “He flew through the air with the greatest of ease, the daring young man on the flying _____________.” A love story about circus acrobats & circus animals. The missing word is unpronounceable in English, yet in Swahili means something that translates roughly to “elephant penis”. This is a tale of forbidden love between Simba, an African Elephant and Marty K. Simmons a daring young man on the flying _____________. Their love was as misunderstood as it was misproportioned. Joel Siegal states that it’s “like Dumbo meets Brokeback Mountain meets Dumbo meets Brokeback Mountain.” Gene Siskel gives it two thumbs up and he’s been dead for 10 years. Rated NC-17.

Item #4: She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Loves me she. Not loves me she. Loves me she. Not loves me she. She me loves. She not me loves. She me loves. She not me loves. A caveman begins to express himself. He struggles with the words as much as he struggles with pulling the petals off a tundra flower. The flower has reached a maximum growth of 10 centimeters in 150 years. It is the Late Pleistocene epoch. The caveman spends his days searching for food in a party of hunter/gatherer neanderthals with wooden spears, dressed in animal skins. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Loves me she. Not loves me she. Loves me she. Not loves me she. She me loves. She not me loves. She me loves. She not me loves. The caveman looks up at the stars by night and dreams of the love of his life. She has a beard almost as thick as his and the hairiest set of breasts a man has ever lusted after. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Loves me she. Not loves me she. Loves me she. Not loves me she. She me loves. She not me loves. She me loves. She not me loves. Coming soon to A&E.

Item #1: A pornographic movie about Jesus Christ & his Twelve Disciples and their adventures wandering the Mediterranean coast in search of orgies and exotic strange entitled “Jesus is Coming”.  Posters in Adult movie stores everywhere contain the tag line “He turned water into wine and Cougars into FOXXXES”.  The movie contains an AVN award winning scene wherein Jesus is teased with whips by two sexy Roman Soliderettes as well as a scene where Judas commits several acts of auto-erotic asphyxiation before the Devil sends him several hard bodied temptresses and 30 pieces of silver which are featured heavily in the Last Supper Orgy at the end of the feature.

Item #2: A documentary about the United States Treasury Mint in Denver, Colorado entitled “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” hosted by Jonathan Lipnicki of “Jerry Maguire” fame, who probably really could use the work anyway and who really gives a goddamn if the title was a Tom Cruise line?  Lipnicki is guided around the mint and learns facts while pointing at heavy machinery, asking pertinent educational questions, screaming “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” to no one’s greater amusement, excepting dry arm chair types who will watch anything PBS puts out.  This could also work as a twelve part miniseries.

Item #3: Dick Cheney, feeling remorse- nay guilt- for the first time in his entire existence overcomes his programming, learns to feel these…human…emotions… learns to love- truly love- feel pain-ETC.- and cannot cope with his role in two separate Bush Presidencies.  Cheney becomes suicidal and sticks a gun in his mouth in a final attempt to right many wrongs.  Unfortunately, and by sheer accident, he has a heart attack before he can actually pull the trigger.

The latest news on the latest brews. Oh yeah.

Beer #45 Southern Star Bombshell Blonde

Beer #46 Avery White Rascal

Beer #47 Bear Republic Racer Five

Beer #48 Independence Oatmeal Stout

Beer #49 Independence Austin Amber

Beer #50 New Belgium Fat Tire

SXSW 2009 has come and went again.  Oh I miss it already.  I’m still pretty amped on the good times though.  I saw several of my favorite bands & live acts, only a few things I was totally indifferent too or didn’t like so much, drank several gallons of booze, and had a genuinely good time. I’m not going to blog about it quite the same way I did last year- I don’t see the need to repeat myself in storytelling- I did have just as much fun though (maybe even more) I must say.

I got to see Dillinger Four twice.  Let me retype that I GOT TO SEE DILLINGER FOUR TWICE!!!!  The first time I saw them was immediately followed up by a Hold Steady set right down the street.  That was sickly awesome. I told my friend Jordan about it this morning and I think he summed it up pretty correctly:

[10:36] Jordan Brand: that is the best thing i’ve ever heard
[10:36] Jordan Brand: ever
[10:36] Bill Latham: it was pretty killer
[10:36] Jordan Brand: now that you’ve reached the high point of your life. what are your plans?

The crowd vibe at the D4 shows was totally awesome- really it was the same vibe at the Hold Steady shows- everybody singing along at the top of their voices- fists pumping in the air- lots of happy olderish folks- a great time really.  I still maintain that “Midwestern Songs of the Americas” is my favorite album and their newest effort “C I V I L  W A R” is the best thing they’ve put out since “Versus God”….which is pretty misleading I suppose considering there’s only one record between the two… anyway, I still love the shit out of that band.  The last time I saw Dillinger Four was on my 21st birthday and that was absolutely the best possible thing that could have happened on that birthday.

Compared to most bands that I liked in high school, I’d say Dillinger Four has only gotten better for me with age.  The older I get the more I identify with what the songs are about. I was a little sad they couldn’t play “Fuck You, Ms. Rochelle” for me- Eric was down for taking a request from an old Cog Factory kid,  but Lane was unable to tour as he & his wife just had a kid & the tour drummer didn’t know the song- but anyway, there’s a line in that song that I love that’s all about growing up and if goes “If the me of then could see me now, he wouldn’t even listen up anyhow, he’d say ‘I knew you when you used to matter’, but I’ve known him since he wasn’t so easily flattered”. I love that.  The older I get the more I get it.

Anyway… I did see bands that were not Dillinger Four or the Hold Steady.  I’ll throw a list on the end of this so you can see everything, but I will mention that 1) Mathematicians, Bus Driver, Obits, MM/DD/YYYY, Doctor Krapula were great acts I’d never seen live before & a lot of fun, 2) When did Cursive become barely distinguishable from the Good Life? What happened to the crazy time signatures and staccato riffage & everything I liked about them?  Seriously guys…they played maybe 3 songs I really dug, and I used to love that band. 3) Sugar & Gold and Gravy Train!!! totally fucking rule.  I’ve seen Gravy Train!!! once every year now since moving here and it’s always a good time. I also saw the Thermals twice…not on purpose, but accidentally and quite happily the second time. It certainly made the 20+ minutes I waited in the porta-john line in Waterloo park more pleasant.

SXSW 2009 list of bands I saw:

Bomba Estereo, Poper, Monareta, Doctor Krapula, Needy Visions, 50 Million, Bus Driver, MM/DD/YYYY, Mathematicians, Wild America, Pete & The Pirates, The Thermals (x2), Cursive, Obits, Darkest Hour, Dillinger Four (x2), The Hold Steady, Phranchyze, Terp 2 It, Jesse McDangerously, MC Frontalot, Lord T & Eloise, Lucero, Drying Spells, The Botticelli’s, Bart Davenport, Sugar & Gold, Gravy Train!!!

And the venues I attended: Speakeasy, 301 Chicon St Art Space, Bird’s Barbershop, The French Legation Museum, Club Deville, Red 7, Prague, Waterloo Park, The Radio Room, Beerland, Vice Magazine Party @ 311 E 5th

I had a weird dream the other night. I dreamed I was back in Omaha again and was living in a really shitty neighborhood.

Anyway, my sister’s boyfriend (who I’ve never actually met in real life, nor do I know what he actually looks like) wanted me to take a camera phone picture for him for some reason and when the flash blinked, he got sucked into the camera phone and trapped there. Sort of like that episode of the new Doctor Who series where people get sucked into the televisions. Naturally this freaked me out.

People accused me of murdering him and nobody believed me that he was stuck in a cellphone. I tried to explain it to my sister, but she got super pissed off and called the cops. I got arrested and had to live in the Rorick for the rest of my life.

Beer #33Boddingtons Pub Ale

Beer #34512 Pecan Porter

Beer #35Real Ale Fireman’s #4

Beer #36Lagunitas IPA

Beer #37Strongbow Cider

Beer #38Ommegang Abbey

Beer #39512 Wit

Beer #40Bear Republic Hop Rod Rye

Beer #41Magic Hat #9

Beer #42New Belgium Mighty Arrow

Beer #43Deschutes Black Butte Porter

Beer #44)Belhaven Scottish Stout

There is an Iowa that I remember and I am
not quite sure if it was a dream or waking
life- Amber highways surrounded in golden
ears of corn, paved black top by state
contracted construction crews, posted speed
limits no higher than 45 MPH, obligatory
service stations one small town jaunt at a time,
and apple orchards.

There is an Iowa that I remember- nay, reminisce
upon- an old lover that I fondly remember
upon unlaid nights full of too much beer and not
enough company- an afterthought  before my
head hits the pillow- might I wake up tomorrow
and find that life is but a dream, sweet heart?
Times change and I have followed the course-
forward, that is- as if there were a choice- don’t
look back- what’s the point in that?

There is an Iowa that I remember as large as an entire
globe- nay, a universe unto itself- the world can
wait, there’s nothing out there- a John Mellecamp song
unwritten- a high school sweet heart fat and pregnant-
a Christian sect with your name spoken for- chain
restaurants that pass for haute cuisine and the latest
fashions dictated at twenty dollars a pop in every
shopping mall and outlet store.

There is an Iowa I never fell in love with, though
between dinner plate eyes and starry night
kisses and whispers in post-coital ears, we
all knew the charade for what it was- a board
game- from a garage sale- loved briefly and
then forgotten and filed away in closets of the
mind next to other skeletons- a one night stand
twenty five years long and nobody exchanged
phone numbers in the morning.

There is an Iowa I fear and always will, I suppose-
where the youth of my friends was put to sleep-
metaphorical sodium pentothal shots
administered like notches on a belt or merit
badges earned towards a goal in mediocrity-
there is an Iowa I want no ownership of, though
it has shaped me.  There is an Iowa.  There is.

Oh Iowa- when I speak of you now, no one questions
my current station. Oh Iowa- I dream of returning
to your soil like combat veterans dream of battlefields-
to make peace with the horrible past and leave it
behind forever- like Kansas (the band)- “…all we
are is dust in the wind.”

Oh Iowa- somewhere people get trapped in your
maize of corporate farms, slipping away kernel
by kernel, an ear at a time, to other places
and other stations, the world can’t wait for you alone.

Oh Iowa- you are not the Grant Wood painting you
have made yourself out to be- unless Grant Wood
drove through the  countryside by night stealing
tanks of anhydrous ammonia and the accidentally
exploding RV meth labs in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Oh Iowa- stop grand standing your great seal in front of
us and fly your flags at half mast for all your children
that  have already left  and for all the ones who
have never come back.

There is an Iowa and it is but a starting point-
there is an Iowa and it is a dead end- there
is an Iowa and it is but a settlement in a
dispute case as of yet unwritten- there is an
Iowa I do not cling to-  there is an Iowa I cannot
call friend- there is an Iowa I find personally ugly-
there is an Iowa- there is an Iowa- yes, there is.

There is an Iowa in my outstanding awkwardness
that no amount of time can remove- there is an
Iowa in my closet wrapped in mothballs next
to all the skeletons- there is an Iowa that birthed
me and taught me my first words- there is an
Iowa that raised me- educated me- left me to
my own devices to hit my forehead on every
rung of the ladder- for better or worse.

“I’m not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.” -Noel Coward

“Quaintest thoughts, queerest fancies, come to life and fade away. What care I how the day advances, I am drinking ale today.” -Edgar Allan Poe

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -Ambrose Bierce

Largely due to the overwhelming volume of work I’ve been experiencing lately, I have fallen behind in my blogging and my beer blogging. However, Beer Club has still been a constant shine to my week. Here’s what we’ve tried out lately. The road to 200 continues. For reasons of laziness I will not be giving all the fun little factoids that I did for the first 20 beers I had.

Beer #21 Real Ale Blanco Pale

Beer #22 Breckenridge Vanilla Porter

Beer #23 Belhaven Twisted Thistle

Barb has become a big fan of this brew, and I gotta give it mad props too. It’s a truly delicious IPA.

Beer #24 Live Oak Hefeweizen

Beer #25 Like Oak Big Bark Amber

Beer #26 Live Oak IPA

Beer #27 Stone Ruination IPA

This beer cost me 11 damn dollars at the bar. No joke. It was 22 ounces though. They also brew the Arrogant Bastard Ale and I’m a big fan of that.

Beer #28 Avery Maharaja IPA

This was recommended to me by a waitress at the Flying Saucer and it deserves props too.

Beer #29 Samuel Smith Nut Brown Ale

Beer #30 512 IPA

Beer #31 Warsteiner Dunkel

Beer #32 Saint Arnold Lawnmower

I have been saving
all my love
for you
and I will use it
in spite.
When you whisper
“sleep tight”
and turn out the light
you will cry yourself
to sleep each night.

My love is like a lasso knotted in a noose.
My love is a locket hurled in abuse.

I have been saving
all my love
for you
and it burns
all the way down.
Like acid reflux
you know
you can taste it
in the back
of your mouth.

My love is like the asphalt sticking to your shoes.
My love is like a paper cut slicing so quickly through you.

I have been saving
all my love
for you
and it’s not
worth a goddamn.
You think you’ll be
happy then you’ll
run away.
get away
as fast as you can.

My love is like a puddle that you haved stepped into.
My love is like a cigarette and it’s giving you cancer too.

“I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.” -Homer Simpson

Last night was a very special edition of Beer Club at the Flying Saucer. In fact, it was the damned fanciest night we’ve spent there yet. If my life suddenly took a turn into the realm of that movie “Groundhog Day”, I would be quite content to know that every night I would get to go sample some high octane beer courtesy of the Allagash Brewing Company of Portland, Maine.

Allagash is all about the Belgians, baby. This brewery got it’s start in 1995 and currently distributes beer in 14 states. Last night, we got to sample some of their wares and eat some food and learn all about what we were drinking. It was quite enjoyable. It was a wonderful way to spend a Monday night. I have no complaints.

There was even better news for those of us with the UFO cards: we got to count all five beers towards our total. That means I’m currently 10% of the way towards 200. Here’s what I drank last night. Included for your reading pleasure will also be a brief description of the accompanying dish.

Beer #16 Allagash White

Allagash White is the brewery’s first beer. It’s a 5% alcohol traditional Belgian wheat beer and was described as tasting of spices and passion fruits. It was pleasant. Perhaps even quaint. It was not my favorite of the beers we drank over the course of the night, but then, it was also the weakest one we drank too. It was served with a goat cheese salad with balsamic vinaigrette dressing. The salad also contained little treats like walnuts and raisins.

Beer #17 Allagash Tripel

Allagash Tripel was up next. It was a 9% alcohol Belgian Ale, though apparently the brewer feels it is a tad dryer than traditional Belgian Beers (Chimay, for example). It tastes of passion fruits [they love the shit out of passion fruits. -ED], honey, and banana. This beer left me with a big stupid, happy, ear to ear grin. It was not only high octane for a beer, but tasty too. It was served with a lump crab cake with mango salso. The crab cake was pretty tasty too.

Beer #18 Allagash Odyssey

This was the point where everything really ramped up. Allagash Odyssey is a 10.4% alcohol dark barrel aged wheat beer. Allagash age a portion of the beer in New American Medium Toast Oak, and a portion in stainless steel for more than six months. Apparently, the portion aged in the Toast Oak barrel is totally undrinkable if not mixed with the stainless steel portion. We were told that 25% of the end product comes from the Oak barrel and the remaining 75% is from the stainless steel. This beer was paired with an almond crusted chicken and green beans which, I accidentally, spilled most of all over my pants. Luckily I had eaten most of the chicken before this had happened. As my friend, the one time Commissioner of Soils & Water to Pottawattamie County Iowa, Mr. Mike Edrington is fond of saying “I can’t have nice things.” I don’t generally feel this way, but I sure love quoting it.

Beer #19 Allagash Musette

Our fourth beer for the evening was the Allagash Musette, a scotch ale, that clocked in at 10% alcohol content as well.

By this point, I was feeling a little boozy and quite honestly my notes on this beer are complete shit. For that reason we’ll be referring to the Allagash homepage :

Our interpretation of a Belgian-inspired Scotch ale, Musette undergoes a caramelization process in the kettle, where the first runnings are condensed and caramelized, imparting a unique and subtle caramel character and amber color to the beer. Following fermentation with a Belgian strain of yeast, a portion of it is aged in oak bourbon barrels for an additional three months. Musette offers up raisin, ripened banana, and hints of licorice aromas. Its taste is malty and caramel with a hint of roast, and its warm finish strikes a balance between dry and caramel characters with a hint of smoke..

Allagash Musette was served up with Beef Briscuit and Wasabi Mashed Potatoes, which the serving staff graciously brought our table another round. Excellent.

Beer #20 Allagash Curieux

The final beer for the evening was the Allagash Curieux (French, like ze Belgians speak, for “Curious”). This beer was Tripel Ale aged in a Jim Beam barrel for 8 weeks and packing a 10.5% alcohol content. It tastes of vanilla, coconut, and a hint of bourbon. It was a very good beer to serve with desert, which also ended up being a favorite flavor of mine: Bananas Foster.

Damned if that wasn’t a fancy night out. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I love Beer Club.