Lewis Black once had a routine wherein he explained how you get aneurysm. He said that basically, somewhere along the line (and this will be paraphrased) ‘you’re sitting there and you hear the dumbest thing you’ve heard in your entire life. *AND* it goes in your ear, where your brain says ‘LET’S FIGURE IT OUT!’ And you think about it. Over and over and over again. And the next morning they find you dead in your bathroom.’

Well, folks, I think sometimes making your brain hurt is not a bad idea. The way I see it, is when your brain starts hurting really badly, there’s a good chance you’re gonna kill off a few of your brain cells that were just wasting space and not strong enough to hang out with the ones you actually might need later in life.

Here’s what I propose:

Go to THIS webpage and read this young man’s poetry.

Then, AFTER you gouge your eyes out. Take a deep breath and relax.

We wandered and toiled for what felt like forty years in the wildnerness when we came to the Mexican Bar.

‘Look what the Lord hath provided for us!’ Kelly exclaimed.

‘He truly watches over our needs!’ Jonah rejoiced.

‘Oh Lord on high, beer us, please.’ I prayed.

The Mexican bar was very colorful, and rainbow banners and light up signs covered the entire thing. Yet not one Mexican was sited. There were many women.

‘This must be the work of the Devil,’ said Jonah, ‘he is tempting us.’

‘I agree,’ said Kelly. ‘We must drink fast and put quarters in the jukebox for our salvation.’

I took the first turn loading it up with several hymns by the great song writers John Cougar Mellencamp, Tiffany, the Rolling Stones, and REM.

‘Suckin’ on a chili dog outside of Tasty Freeze,’ sang Jonah and Kelly. We all mimed punches to the ones in the song.

It became clear that our time in the desert was ending and we needed sustinance to continue drinking. Our exodus to the gas station was not uncomfortable as we had the words and sermons of the prophet ICE-T on audio cassette.

‘I am totally on his dick,’ said ICE-T’s interviewer.

We arrived near the Promised Land purchasing two hot dogs and two packs of cigarettes. We finished the Prophet’s sermon and continued to the Promised Land for last call.

There was much rejoicing and celebrating.

Jonah Wins.

Jonah still wins, but now in improved lighting.

Take a bow, Jonah.

This entry was brought to you by the letter Beer and the number Drunk.

Oh memories.

I can’t believe it’s been that long ago.

Birthday Party Gone Bad

Mom Accused of Stripping for Boys

SHARON, PA-August 27, 2003 — A Pennsylvania woman

was arrested after allegedly buying her son and 3

of his friends beer and stripping for them in a

hotel in an attempt to make up for a failed

birthday trip to ride go-carts.

Click Here for More WPVI.com Bizarre News

The 34-year-old woman was ordered Friday to stand

trial on charges of corruption of minors,

indecent assault and reckless endangerment

stemming from the alleged July 26 party.

Police said the youths met at a western

Pennsylvania go-cart track to celebrate the

birthday of the woman’s son. When the boys

discovered all the go-carts rented out, the woman

drove to Ohio to buy beer and then took the

youths to a hotel, police alleged.

In the room, the woman gave the boys beer, gave

them $1 bills, told them she wanted to be a

stripper and asked them to put the money in her

bra and panties, police said. She also exposed

herself and asked the boys to spank her, police

said.

Police did not give the boys’ ages, but according

to the charges, they are under the age of 16.

The woman’s son said he was embarrassed by her

actions, police said.

The woman has an unlisted number and could not be

reached for comment by The Associated Press on

Tuesday. It was unclear whether she had an

attorney. She was free on bail and has been

barred from seeing the boys, authorities said.

(Copyright 2003 by The Associated Press. All

Rights Reserved.)

CLICKY.

This was my day at work.

20 Minutes ago I began having a very elaborate fantasy about breaking an old woman’s legs. I was going to start out hitting across her knees with a baseball bat, then sort of roll her down a flight of stairs.

See, I was talking to her on the telephone her at work where I am currently on a much needed break. When I gave her directions like ‘click right’, ‘click left’, etc. she would promptly do something like scroll up or down, and just randomly click on whatever she could find to randomly click on.

I wanted to kill her. I was dreaming about how to do it. I’ve been having a lot of fantasies like this at work lately.

Someone give me a hug, ok?

This picture will never not be funny.

‘Morrissey - Morrissey

Now that I’m older and pretty sure I’m heterosexual, my Morrissey albums just don’t get much play, except when I’m feeling sorry for myself - then there’s nothing sweeter than the croon of the coiffured one. I remember when Kurt Cobain killed himself, Morrissey was quoted as saying he wondered if he would have had the courage to do that. Well, we can always wish.’

Heh.

This is pretty funny.

‘Bill’s distinctive and infectious style, an acrobatic cartwhelling between high intellectual discourse and vernacular insouciance, makes him tremendously entertaining to witness, whatever his subject.’

-Justin O’Connor

He was wearing a tie and sat down at the counter next to me. The bartender pointed to him and he said ‘I’d like a bud light draft, sir.’

It struck me as very formal. Especially for a building with bats in it.

He drank his ‘bud light draft’ and walked off briskly into the night.

A better man than I, I’m sure.

It’s my second day off work. So on my calendar it’s sunday. I’m going to go worship at my church tonight. 4 full hours of communion. And there’s bible study at Cali Taco’s at 4 PM. I hope my god knows I love him.

=

‘I never really believe what women tell me.’

-Steven Wright, Natural Born Killers

=

Give us a kiss.

I’m pretty sure the Hot Snakes are better than your band.

=

I like eggs a lot, but I’m pretty sure that Kelly likes them more than I do. And more than you do.

“Give me crack and anal sex

Take the only tree that’s left

and stuff it up the hole

in your culture.’

-Leonard Cohen, The Future

Your Wasted Girlfriend

It’s a few days before payday. You’re down to the last of the food you have and it’s time to eat something.

‘I think I’ll have a sandwich!’ you say to yourself.

So you go to the fridge and you examine what you have for sandwich fixings. And you find enough tuna salad for one and a half sandwiches and a mostly eaten leftover bowl of macaroni and cheese.

‘Oh man,’ you’re thinking.

Well, think no more friend. Mix the two together and you have what I’m calling a tuna casserole sandwich. And it’s pretty tasty.

Also the cat keeps following me around while I’m holding it and it’s creeping me out.