IAmBillLatham (7:36:09 PM): word.

Forky Forkster (7:36:22 PM): sentence

IAmBillLatham (7:36:30 PM): question?

IAmBillLatham (7:36:45 PM): EXCLAMATION!

Forky Forkster (7:37:04 PM): PERIOD

IAmBillLatham (7:37:08 PM): ewwwww

Forky Forkster (7:38:37 PM): NOT THAT KIND

Well, it’s halloween. Last year I got really drunk. This year, I’m going to do the same BUT I’m also going to hand out treats to the neighbor kids.

Reeking of whiskey the entire time.

AMEN.

I was at work yesterday when I received a call from a man named Larry Neaves. His call was possibly the funniest call I’ve had in a few weeks.

He was calling in to complain about the amount of spam e-mail he’s been receiving in his account the last few months. Apparently he’s had the account for six years.

Instead of coming right out and saying he was getting lots of crap in his inbox he said this:

‘I’m enlarging my penis 2 to 3 inches every 3 e-mails.’

I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. He chuckled too. I liked his sense of humor immediately.

He continued:

‘Hell, I’ve enlarged my penis so many times I’m stepping on it.’

More riotous laughter. I couldn’t help it. This guy was alright.

We started talking about our spamblocking software and things he could do to reduce the amount of spam he was receiving. Through out this conversation, during pauses he would update me on what the message subjects were.

‘Whoa another 2 inches! Goddamn, my dick is *HUGE*!!!’

We finally got him squared away. I logged off the phone for a minute and went outside for a smoke. While I was outside, the guy who does all my quality assesments came out too.

‘That was a hell of a call you had!’ he said, an ear to ear grin on his face.

That’s right, folks. The call was monitored. And even better, they were training three new people. So they all got to hear this call.

Ahhhh.

The last time I got a call that put me in a good mood, I had a 55 year old man crooning ‘It Was A Very Good Year’ by Frank Sinatra in the phone. I’m aware that sounds very strange. And it was.

His wife had put him on the phone to ‘entertain me’ while she was searching high and low for their windows 98 cd. Apparently the husband likes to tell people jokes when his wife has to run away from the phone for a minute.

But he couldn’t think of any.

‘Sing me some Sinatra!’ I said, not expecting him to do it.

Well, he did it, and he had the worst voice I’ve heard in a long time. By the time his wife was back on the phone, she was laughing so hard, it took five minutes before we could get started doing anything.

It’s the times like this that make me love my job.

So in the bottom right hand corner of this page, I always have my links section. Now, those links are there for people to visit other sites and all, but they’re also there so I have webpages to look at while I’m at work and bored.

Here’s the problem. I read all of those sites that are linked so frequently that I’m running out of things to look at. I need new webpages. I need entertainment. I need infotainment.

So use the comments section and leave me new things to look at while I’m at work.

Do it!

2 slain over electric bill

By TAMER EL GHOBASHY and RICHARD WEIR

DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS

A Brooklyn man enraged over a high electric bill killed his roommate yesterday and then fatally slashed her 11-year-old daughter’s throat as the helpless girl slept, police said.

‘I did something bad,’ Albert Clarke, 41, said after he turned himself in to cops in Manhattan around 1:30 p.m., officials said.

‘Apparently, the electrical bill was too high,’ a police source said.

The bloodshed erupted in the kitchen of the East New York apartment Clarke shared with the 43-year-old woman, cops said.

The two met while living in another building and decided to share the Logan St. flat to save money, police said.

‘They told the landlord they were husband and wife,’ the police source said.

The man lived in a locked bedroom in the front of the apartment but shared a kitchen with the woman and her daughter.

Police said they would not identify the victims until relatives in Jamaica were notified.

Clarke, who was charged with two counts of first-degree murder, used a pipe wrapped in electrical tape to bludgeon the woman and then stabbed her several times in the neck, police said.

He then turned his wrath on the girl, who was sleeping in the bedroom that she shared with her mom, police said.

‘He slit her throat from ear to ear,’ a second police source said.

Neighbors said the little girl jumped rope on the block and always offered a cheerful ‘Hello’ to passersby.

‘She was a nice child. She was polite and nice to talk to,’ said a 52-year-old woman who said she walked the girl and her own daughter to school at PS 345.

‘I was crying when I heard this,’ added the woman, who did not want her name used.

Another neighbor in the three-story rowhouse said he was stunned to learn that Clarke, a chatty tenant who worked as a welder, was accused of the double murder.

‘He doesn’t seem like the type,’ said the man, who also did not want his named used. ‘He’s very easygoing. He would spend time talking about current affairs.’

Ah, it’s that time of year again. Time to set the clocks back.

I love this time of year, because for one week out of fifty two, I’m actually well rested, relaxed, and comfortable. Take today for example. I’ve already woken up, bathed, and finished breakfast and it’s just 8:45 AM. On a usual sunday, I just woke up fifteen minutes ago and I’m scrambling to get things done, worried that I’ll be late for work.

But not today. Today I’m relaxed. Today I’m rested. Today I experienced 2 o’clock twice- while I was sleeping. Ahhhhh…

The Water Cooler. The one place where during two fifteen minute breaks a day, many of you and your co-workers stand around and try to forget you have jobs for 15 minutes. A lot of the time, atleast in my job, this is very solemn and quiet. It’s very comforting. I bet it’s like that at other places too.

Have you ever noticed how sometimes when you stand around at work, one of your co-workers feels the need to try and tell jokes and lighten the quiet up for everyone. This is usually the individual who doesn’t understand that you’d rather be left alone so you can enjoy your break, and you have no interest in carrying on a dialouge with them.

It gets even worse when you realize they’re going to tell you a joke you’ve 1) already heard, 2) isn’t funny and 3) has been told 1000 times already.

I propose a new way to deal with these pain in the ass co-workers. And actually, this will work for just about anyone who annoys you like this. From the guy in line for a beer at the bar, to the old man at church, to that annoying lady with the high pitched squeal in the cubicle next to you, this plan will work.

See, I think humor has become too formulaic. People concentrate too much on the build up and the punch line and forget that sometimes the circumstances in which you tell a joke are the funniest thing about it.

Picture this scene between Worker A and Worker B. Worker A is the asshole. Worker B is one of us. Here’s how the scene will go.

Worker A- So Polish people are really goddamned stupid! HAR HAR HAR!

Worker B- Two nuns walk into a nursery and up to the counter with a shot gun. They blow away both of the people at the front desk, start piling babies into a garbage bag, and make a getaway to Mexico. They never get caught.

Then you turn away and don’t say anything to them. You’ll just confuse the hell out of them.

Let’s see another one of those in action:

Worker A-So I says ‘RECTUM? YOU DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM!’

Worker B- This guy on the Lower East Side broke into an old home, went around room to room raping grandmas and grandpas left and right, until he found a door marked exit and could leave easily.

The more horrible the circumstances, the better. In fact, use headline news. Just clip the most horrible pieces of information you can out and keep them ready.

We’re taking back the water cooler, folks. We will overcome.

‘Tis the season!

There’s been an awful lot of time spent wondering about the nature of man, and his relationship to a god figure of some sort. I feel kind of silly when I say “an awful lot of time”, because I don’t think that does any justice to the entire history of religion. I feel like I’m leaving something out, like maybe the crusades.

I’ve always wondered how easy it would be to start a religious crusade today. Or maybe another inquisition. I wanted to flatter us and say that it could never happen again, but then I watched Bill Clinton get crucified in front of The Republican party for 8 years on C-SPAN. And twice in my life, I’ve seen us fly to the Gulf to help out in “the Holy Land”.

If the nature of god is supposed to be something that is loving and all encompassing and life surrounding, why do we get so hung up on blowing things up and pointing the finger at who’s religion is wrong and who’s is right?

I mean, if you’re absolutely certain that your religion is the right one and every other belief about god that any one else has ever had is wrong, wouldn’t that make you all knowing? And wouldn’t that make you god? Or is that just really self-righteous and pompous?

I think we should make everything a little bit easier and propose a new image of god. I think as Americans, and having a love of glitz and glamour, you’ll agree with me:

Our new god is Elvis Presley.

Think about it. How many people have seen Elvis around since he died? Apparently quite a few. And unlike all those people who supposedly saw Jesus after he rose from the dead, we can sit down and talk with the people who have seen Elvis. How many followers does Elvis have worldwide? How many monuments have been built to Elvis Presley? What about all those impersonators, Elvis bless ‘em.

I want you to think of Graceland as Mecca.

I want you to think of every Elvis bobble-head that you see on the dashboard of a car the same way you were raised to see a crucifix.

Jesus loves us this we know, but Elvis has hunka hunka burnin’ love.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Forgive me, Elvis, for I have sinned.

WE’RE ALL FALLING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN

A 3 minute, 3 part Play by Bill Latham

Part 1: A Young Boy’s Dream

(our scene is a living room. the time is around 3:30 pm, and little Timothy has just gotten home from school)

(his mother is in the kitchen baking cookies)

Timothy: MOM! MOM! I KNOW WHAT I WANT TO BE WHEN I GROW UP!!!!!

Mother: What’s that Timmy, dear?

Timothy: A PIMP!!!

Mother: What?

Timothy: SHUP BITS!!

Part 2: An Old Man In The Alley Meets Someone

(the old man is drunk and carrying around a bottle of Jim Beam)

(he comes across a prostitute)

Old Man: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, take them down, drink them all down, 99 bottles of beer on…the…um…ground?

Prostitute: I’ll suck your dick for a thousand dollars.

Old Man: I don’t even have a dollar. I just have this bottle of whiskey and seventy-five cents.

Prostitute: That’ll work. I’m just going to buy crack with it anyway.

Old Man: I think I love you.

Part 3: A Wealthy Man Commits Suicide

(The Wealthy Man is in his bathroom with a towel wrapped around his neck like a noose)

(He is writing his note)

Wealthy Man: It has been a long life, and I had many more privelages than most of you. My grandparents died rich, my parents died rich, and I wish also die rich. I have seen this entire world in and out, and owned many great things. I have loved many shallow people and been shallowly loved by many people. I hope some one misses me.

(he hangs himself)

House Robber: WHOA! A DEAD GUY!! I’m gonna pee on him!!

Narrator: Such is the comedy in the tragedy of life.

My head is still pounding. Oh my god. Make it stop. It’s not as bad as it was an hour ago when I woke up though.

Thanks for nothing, Cutty Sark! Well, except the fun times we had last night together.