At our house, we’ve come to enjoy the cable access channel. It’s given us such wonderfully shitty programs as Spookular and the Pagan Televangelist.

I don’t know when Mike discovered the John Tynan show, but it’s also a treasure. I wish he had a website.

John Tynan is an old man who plays songs for senior citizens. He has a voice sort of like Johnny Cash in his last few living years and I’m not entirely sure that he’s even playing complete songs on his show.

Part of his show is also mentions of the ministry he and his wife run. I’m not exactly sure what they’re ministering as John tends to ramble quite a bit when he’s not singing his songs for the seniors.

Anyway, in the last episode he was hoping that someone would write him to correct him on saying that Thomas Aquinas had not come up with the idea of original sin, but rather it was Augustine of Hippo. John mentioned that he would send a signed certificate from himself to the person who wrote him that letter saying they were a ‘Bible Detective’ or somesuch nonsense as well as a $2 bill. Anyway, with the little research that it took to do through google, I’m assuming that John Tynan is probably a Catholic.

As the casual reader has figured out by now, I’m a sucker for any chance I can get to be a smart ass.

So I wrote John that letter, which I’m going to share with you now:

Dear John Tynan,

Today I was watching your television program on Metro 23. I often find myself watching your program in the afternoons between my crossword puzzle and nap.

I wanted to point out that Thomas Aquinas did not come up with the idea of original sin, but rather, it was Augustine of Hippo. But then, right as I was writing your address down, you pointed that out.

Please play ‘Hobo’s Lullaby’ by Woody Guthrie on your next program.

Also, you needn’t send me the $2 bill. Just send it to the charity on the enclosed addressed stamped envelope.

Sincerely,

Bill Latham

Now what charity would I want John Tynan to send his money to?

How about this one:

Planned Parenthood Federation of America

434 West 33rd St.

New York, New York 10001

I’m at least hoping to get the signed certificate in the mail.

There were gum drops there as tall as trees and the syringes were flying south for the winter as part of their annual migration. Joseph took a deep bite out of the wood work and yawned-

It was happening again.

“I don’t feel quite real today,� he said outloud to the old microphone tree and the walking coat rack.

“You never were, Joseph,� the coat rack said. “You never were.�

Joseph pinched his prosthetic leg to see if he was dreaming. He felt nothing.

“It’s still plastic,� he thought. “I’m safe.�

The sky was very green and the grass was bluer than usual that afternoon. He felt very lost and confused, but at the same time very comfortable. He tied up the laces to his battered shoes and went on his way.

There was a man on the street corner wearing a bed sheet and ranting poetry.

“Oh Amerikkka, what have I given you?

More than is given back-

I want superiority to shine through-

send the darkkkies back to Afrikkka.�

Joseph vomited. The street poet continued. Barely anyone noticed.

“America the beautiful,

Land that bankrupted me

And killed my children-

I have two words for you-�

He lit himself on fire. No one seemed to notice, even though he had turned into a roar of purple and blue flames. The smell of sulfur was everywhere. Joseph scratched his chin and kept walking.

“Better safe than sorry. Besides I’m late.�

The cars were leaking water everywhere across the main street, and several elephants were dancing in a semi-circle on the corner chanting “hare krishna�. They gave Joseph a flower and smiled. He handed one of them a dollar.

“Haribol.�

Horrible? No, haribol. Greetings. Peace. Hello. Shalom. Good bye. See ya later. Adios. Fuck you.

Joesph was humming to himself now, his hands in his pockets and his eyes in his wallet. The wallet was bulging, but naturally, he didn’t notice. This was no different than any other day. He hummed quietly and kept a steady pace in his stride.

Two children were running down the block and flipped him off. Joseph smiled. He admired tenacity. He offered one a candy bar and the other some rat poison. They both ate the rat poison and threw the candy bar away, then bade him adieu.

The moon set and the sun burned out. And like that, everything was gone.

The leg was still plastic. The flower was fake. Joseph didn’t feel anything.

In previous entries, I know that I have mentioned the Indians that I speak with at Covad every day. In case you’ve forgotten, that’s where their level one support is located, and frequently through out my day I give them a call up and we chat about what’s wrong with our customer.

They have a support log that they leave for us to read and it will usually start out looking something like ‘Bill /ISP called in…’ and go from there.

Well, I don’t know what the hell I did, but I was checking back for another update from a call that I had made and found this:

Heh.

JACK PREAMBLE: MAN OF INACTION

CHARACTERS:

MR. WIGGLES- The Mascot Bunny Rabbit

NARRATOR/JACK PREAMBLE- The hero who does his own narration

MAN #1- Man at the Crime Scene

OLD WOMAN- Old Woman at the Crime Scene

“WARREN�- A man whose name is not actually Warren.

BIG MAN

COP #1: Crime scene cop

BIG MAN: A guy who gets a blow job.

JORGE: A male prostitute.

FIGHTING SQUIRREL: a mascot

MAD CAT: a mascot.

MADDER DOG: a mascot

GIVE ‘EM HELL THE DONKEY: a mascot

DONNY: a mascot who’s had trouble with the law

[Fade in]

[A giant bunny rabbit is standing outside of a downtown building holding a sign that says “SWEET DEALS� in bold colored letters. He looks like a typical mascot bunny rabbit. This is the character of MR. WIGGLES. He’s waving a passing cars and children who are walking by.]

[The frame turns to a sniper scope aimed at MR. WIGGLES]

[MR. WIGGLES continues doing his mascot activities when suddenly there’s a gun shot and he keels over dead.]

NARRATOR: Sometimes bad things happen and no one wants to deal with them. These are the cases I take on. I’m Jack Preamble, Detective.

[Close up shot of the former MR. WIGGLES]

[Fade out]

[We’re at the same department store, only now there are Police Cars, Officers, Detectives, and concerned citizens everywhere.]

NARRATOR: Homicide. And on a Wednesday afternoon, in front of a department store, in broad daylight. I can’t say that I understand why anyone would ice a mascot, but it’s not my job to understand. It’s my job to serve justice.

[JACK PREAMBLE is entering the crime scene looking around for witnesses in the crowd of concerned citizens. He walks around a bit investigating and asking people questions]

[He sees MAN #1]

JACK PREAMBLE: So did you see anything?

MAN #1: Huh?

JACK PREAMBLE: Did you see anything?

MAN #1: Oh no, I’m just here to pick up my wife.

JACK PREAMBLE: Oh.

[MAN #1 walks away]

NARRATOR: Damn.

[He walks on to the next person, the OLD WOMAN]

JACK PREAMBLE: Can you think of anyone who wanted Mr. Wiggles dead?

OLD WOMAN: [in a very horse voice] I just want a carton of cigarettes.

[She walks away]

NARRATOR: DAMN!

[Next in line is “WARREN�]

JACK PREAMBLE: What do you think, Warren?

“WARREN�: My name isn’t Warren.

JACK PREAMBLE: Oh, sorry.

“WARREN�: It’s ok, I get that a lot.

[he walks off]

NARRATOR: Of all the days…

[JACK PREAMBLE walks over to where the body is covered by a blanket to talk to the Cops at the Crime Scene]

COP #1: Can I help you?

JACK PREAMBLE: He’s dead, right?

COP #1: [confused/annoyed] Yes.

JACK PREAMBLE: Just checking.

[He walks away from the crime scene and we show a shot of his back walking down the street while he narrates a little bit more]

NARRATOR: Well, that was getting nowhere. I needed to loosen up my thinking a little bit.

[Fade out]

[Fade in on the face of a BIG MAN with a goofy looking expression. He looks very happy and very excited.]

NARRATOR: Blow jobs.

[BIG MAN’s eyes are closed and he’s sort of rocking back and forth and looks even more excited.]

NARRATOR: We have technology that no one can believe and weaponry as terrifying as it is impressive, yet still we bend over backwards for a good blow job.

[BIG MAN is now drooling and his eyes are rolling back in his head. He’s slowing down]

NARRATOR: When man needs a good blow job that’s where you’ll find Jorge.

[BIG MAN is finished]

[JORGE pops up into the frame]

JORGE: That’ll be fifty bucks, Amigo.

[The BIG MAN pays him and leaves and JACK PREAMBLE walks into the room next.]

NARRATOR: Jorge sucks dick for a living. He’s also got a mouthful of information and that makes him very useful.

JACK PREAMBLE: Jorge, what do you know about mascots?

JORGE: Nada mucho.

JACK PREAMBLE: Did you hear that the Robinson’s Department Store Bunny, Mr. Wiggles, got iced today?

JORGE: No.

JACK PREAMBLE: It’s a damn shame.

JORGE: Si.

JACK PREAMBLE: I intend to find the person or persons responsible for this.

JORGE: Ah, si- would you like the blow job?

[pausing]

JACK PREAMBLE: Yeah.

[Fade out]

[Fade in to JACK PREAMBLE leaving JORGE’s]

NARRATOR: Jorge didn’t know what I wanted, but he knew what I needed. Thanks Jorge.

[cut to JACK PREAMBLE walking down the street again]

NARRATOR: With that taken care of, I could get back to what I was good at.

[continue shot of JACK PREAMBLE walking]

NARRATOR: Crocheting.

[Continue walking as JACK PREAMBLE lists all the things he’s good at.]

NARRATOR: Lighting yankee candles. Making spaghetti. Rolling in the grass on a hot summer’s day. Hitting my best friend’s girl doggy-style while he’s getting us hot dogs at the ball game. Yessiree, the things I am good at.

[cut to a shot of a bar]

NARRATOR: Mr. Wiggles liked to hang out at mascot bars, so I figured I’d be better off hitting those for information.

[the name of the bar is “CHEERLEADER’S�]

[JACK PREAMBLE walks into the bar and is greeted by many different mascots still in costume. FIGHTING SQUIRREL, MAD CAT, MADDER DOG, and GIVE ‘EM HELL THE DONKEY are all present.

NARRATOR: Cheerleader’s is a weird place to visit, but it’s got to be an even weirder place to work. I hate the place, personally, but I’ll go where ever duty takes me. I don’t have to like it.

[shots of mascots at the bar]

FIGHTING SQUIRREL: [to BIG CAT] You looked good out there today, Willy.

BIG CAT: I do what I can. [not to anyone in particular] Someone get me a beer!

GIVE ‘EM HELL THE DONKEY: Someone get this Cat a beer!

NARRATOR: Cheerleader’s- you’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

BIG DOG: GO TEAM! GO TEAM GO! GO!!!!

NARRATOR: In the land of mascots, there’s winners and losers. You’ll find all of them at Cheerleader’s. And then I spied a little bird and knew where to start.

[JACK PREAMBLE spots a guy in a chicken suit headed to the bathroom. The guy in the chicken suit is DONNY. He follows him into the bathroom.]

[JACK PREAMBLE throws DONNY into a shoulder lock and turns on the bathroom sink and holds his face next to it. He also removes DONNY’S chicken mask. While all of us know that running water is not a terrifying thing, we’re going to suspend that logic and make DONNY very afraid of it.]

JACK PREAMBLE: Hey Donny, long time no see.

DONNY: What the hell? Preamble?

JACK PREAMBLE: What do you know, Donny?

[he twists DONNY’S arm]

DONNY: (screams) Hey man! I’m clean now! Back off! I didn’t do nothin’!

JACK PREAMBLE: Donny, when haven’t you done something? [twisting his arm more] I just wanted to know about the Robinson’s Department Store Bunny, Donny. You know Mr. Wiggles, right, Donny? You know anything about that?

[DONNY is squirming, obviously in pain, still terrified of the running water]

DONNY: I don’t know anything [more twisting] ALLRIGHT!!! OK!!!!

JACK PREAMBLE: That’s more like it. Now tell me everything you know, you piece of shit.

DONNY: The fucker’s bookies probably iced him. That’s the rumor anyway.

JACK PREAMBLE: [loosening his grip so DONNY relaxes, then tightening again] Bookies, Donny?

DONNY: Yeah, bookies. Mr. Wiggles played the ponies a whole lot. He owed a lot of money to a lot of people and he wasn’t very good about paying it back.

JACK PREAMBLE: Is your parole up yet, Donny?

DONNY: Oh come on, man! I’m playing ball with you!

JACK PREAMBLE: Just don’t forget what team you’re on.

[completely loosens grip on DONNY, who falls to the floor]

[JACK PREAMBLE walks out of the bathroom]

DONNY: Son of a bitch.