I was browsing the internet this morning, which is something of a luxury as of late, when I came across a bizarre ‘Equal Opportunity’ styled ad campaign for H&R Block.

Here is the orginal ad:

‘Wow,’ I thought. ‘It’s quick, to the point, and a little bit offensive.’

It was then that I realized I could outdo H&R Block.

Observe:

It’s that time again. I’ve been busy lately and I’m about to get busier having just been hired for a part time job in addition to my full time job. I like money. Anyway, here’s a mix cd to make up for it.

01) The Broker-Dealer- Sophomore Slump

02) Pavement- Cherry Area (Shady Lane E.P. version)

03) Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers- American Girl

04) Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet- Having An Average Weekend (live)

05) Brainiac- Mr. Fingers

06) The Frogs- Satan’s In the Manger (Acoustic)

07) Jane’s Addiction- Ted, Just Admit It

08) The Hold Steady- The Swish

09) Superchunk- June Showers

10) Camper Van Beethoven- Ambiguity Song (live)

11) Q And Not U- Tag Tag

12) The Jesus And Mary Chain- Just Like Honey

13) The Beauty Pill- Prison Song (A Love Song Called Will You Come Visit Me In Prison)

14) STNNNG- My Golden Oldie

When I was growing up, my mom would always point out when any of us had our ‘half birthday’. Not as a celebration or anything. It was something that was generally pointed out between bites of cereal, or getting into the car, or something equally as benign, but she would take the time to point it out.

And that’s why I remebered that I’m 23 and a half today. That’s right. Not just 23- 23.5.

Anyway, I’ve been reading the newspaper everyday for the last three weeks and I’ve noticed that very frequently in news stories, the writers will talk with neighbors when someone does something horrible. Now, the person who’s done something horrible could have killed some people, had a collection of kiddie porn as long as the Great Wall of China, been making meth as a family past time, hog tied and duct-taped their kid’s mouth shut, and all sorts of horrible things- but the news story is always quick to point out that the neighbors ‘had no idea this was going on.’

OF COURSE THEY DIDN’T KNOW! WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD ADMIT TO NOT DOING ANYTHING EVEN IF THEY DID KNOW?!?!

‘Oh yeah, we knew all about the bodies in the basement. Hell, we watched them stack up. I just figured there was no reason to do anything.’

‘Oh yeah, we knew she abused the living shit out of those kids. It’s not our place to get involved.’

Now, I’m aware that those sentiments might be truthful, but I doubt very much anyone would say anything like that to a newspaper reporter.