ADDENDUM:

My copy of the Stnnng’s album ‘Dignified Sissy’ came in the mail today. I grabbed the cd and the lp because I’m a nerd like that.

I can’t say I’ve ever owned an album that had hunters fighting polar bears on it until today.

See?

Sometimes I treat myself to new things. Generally these things come in the form of music or a book of some sort. Today was no exception to that rule. I stopped off at Barnes and Noble because I wanted to pick up a copy of Lewis Black’s book ‘Nothing’s Sacred’. I did pick that book up.

I also came across two Woody Allen books that he’d written in the 70’s. ‘Getting Even’ and ‘Side Effects’. I added those onto the pile. I like Woody Allen.

Finally I hit the cd section. I don’t usually buy cd’s. But they had some things that I wanted.

I left with:

A Gentle Evening With Townes Van Zandt

There and Now: Live in Vancouver 1968

Dust Bowl Ballads

and

It was a pretty good day. Oh yeah.

Oh hi.

I was just thinking about the word ‘puny’. I was thinking about the first time I ever saw that word spelled out and mispronounced it as ‘punny’. I was seven years old, you see, and learning words.

I was familiar with the word ‘pun’, which of course, is a play on words. My mother often referred to my father as ‘punny’ when referring to his sense of humor. I read the sentence in a book for school that said something about the character’s little brother being puny and frail. I was confused.

My mother explained that the word was ‘puny’ and it meant weak.

Word recognition in action. I’m sure it’s very common and there are probably many other words I learned that way. For some reason, I still remember that one.

Dear Pottawattamie Clerk of Court,

I visited yr. office today to pay a traffic ticket I received last week from a Highway Patrolman. I’d list his name for your records, but it’s illegible. Regardless, that’s not why I decided to sit down and take the time to write you a letter.

I received said ticket on April 1st at 9:20 AM. Today, being April 8th at approximately 11:30 AM, I tried to go and pay this ticket at your office. Apparently you haven’t received this ticket yet and I was told I would have to either come back to pay it or mail the ticket in.

Now, that’s not a big deal and I wasn’t angry about it. There’s never a need to raise a fuss in a building where so many people are allowed to carry handguns, mace, billy clubs, handcuffs, rocket launchers, bazookas, time machines, m-60’s, sparklers, bowie knives, German Shepherds and tasers. They say that it takes just one voice to make a change, but really, an inconvenience isn’t worth yr. time or mine to get in a tiff over. I, for one, believe in letting things run smoothly.

Here’s what really threw me off about the entire experience:

The Clerk at the window told me that if I had renewed my registration, which I had done downstairs just moments earlier, that a Judge might just throw out my $75.50 ticket if I came to court and showed him my new registration. Now, I still of course, would have to wait for yr. office to receive my ticket, but I would be allowed to fight the ticket, she assured me.

Isn’t that a little bit asinine? Clearly, when I was pulled over on April 1st at 9:20 AM for having expired registration on my vehicle I broke the law. The State Patrolman who pulled me over had every right to do so as I was clearly in the wrong. There’s really no way I could possibly even defend myself to make it look as though throwing my ticket out was a reasonable option. I’ve been raised to understand that there are consequences for our actions. I made a mistake in not renewing my registration last August. There is absolutely, no way in hell that I am going to go stand before a judge and ask him to throw a ticket out when I am obviously at fault.

I appreciated the tip though, and was very surprised that the court offices were so willing to give out that kind of advice. It was the same kind of helpful, smiling, Midwestern attitude that I’ve come to expect at such places as banks, libraries, pharmacies, and Hy-Vee (where there is a purported ‘helpful smile in every aisle). Still, that seems a little counter productive when there are still so many potholes in Broadway. I mean, how are you guys supposed to make any money if you give out tips on how to avoid paying tickets? Library fines? The Iowa West Foundation? Charity? Bah!

So, here’s my check for $75.50. It’s not bleeding me dry and it’s money that I owe you. Don’t fret and I won’t fret either as I may be down a few hundred bucks from the whole ordeal, but at least I’m not spending the weekend in jail AND I can drive with comfort again. And isn’t that what all of us want?

Yr. most gracious servant,

Bill Latham

Council Bluffs, IA

I distinctly remember the way that the house came swirling down from Kansas into the technicolor dream world that is Oz. I remember the way Dororthy awoke and walked out into the strange new world and the legs of the Wicked Witch were crushed underneath her home.

I remember it clearly and am laughing my ass off about it right now because Dorthy AIN’T GOT SHIT ON ME, PAL! I KILLED THE POPE!!! And I didn’t have to drop my entire house on him to do it.

I wonder if they’ll parade his hat through the streets of Vatican City in the Pope Mobile. I wonder when they make the Hollywood(Holywood?) Biopic about him. I wonder if my legacy, NAY NEAR PSYCHIC ABILITY will be credited (properly, as it should be) as the cause.

Parkinson’s Disease? High fever? Kidney Failure? Urinary tract infection? Old age? FEH! FEH, I SAY! Give credit where credit is due. The time has come to pay the piper. That piper is me.

I KILLED THE POPE WITH MIND BULLETS!!!

About a month and a half ago, my friend Kaitlin and I were having a conversation about putting bets on how much longer the Pope was going to live. This conversation was also brought forth to my room mates and friends who came over to the house to visit.

We had a running white board bet on how much longer the Pope was going to live. The rules of this bet (though a prize has never been named) stated that the winner would guess the correct date within 3 days (+/-).

Anyway, I guessed that the Pope would die on Day Light Savings Sunday 2005. My reasoning for this being that he would want to hang in long enough for his final Easter and then deteriorate after that. I figured the whole ’spring forward’ would kill him. Later, of course, it was pointed out by Matt Yohe that we only spring forward and fall back in this country, but whatever- I won.

I’m aware this is very morbid, but 1) I don’t know the Pope, 2) believe he has magical- er divine powers of any sort and 3) my grandfather, Edward Lyle Reed died yesterday morning and he was personally much more important than a figurehead of a religion I’ve never been apart of. I have no way of rectifying that as the reason I’m talking about the Pope dying. Or blogging about that death. But, in the words of a different recently deceased celebrity- ‘Buy the ticket, take the ride.’ (rest in peace, Doctor Thompson)

Let’s get down to what this blog is actually about. The Pope is currently dying or dead, there’s a lot of reports both ways. Maybe he’ll grow robot arms and live forever. Or they’ll clone him into a younger body, and keep it up for eternity, even though he already damned the idea of cloning. Or he’s faked the whole thing and is living out an Island fantasy with a choir of altar boys, some nuns, and a transubstantiated pina colada- but probably not. Johnny Cochran, Mitch Hedberg, and Terri Schiavo have all said farewell. Hunter S. Thompson left us last month. Everyone dies, friends, but some people who die are way more famous than other ones.

And that’s why I’m pleased to introduce you to

The same rules apply as they did for the Pope bet, folks.

And everyone gets to play. I’m going to list 10 celebrities that I think will be dead by January 1, 2006 and when I think they will die. The death has to happen within 3 days (+/-) the actual death. We’ll keep monthly updates on death watch. All you have to do is play is leave yr predictions in the comments section. Yes, none of these people will probably die this year. But they will eventually. And if we can predict the moment it happens, we can pretend we have psychic powers. Or can see the future. Or that general kind of bullshit.

Moving right along- our celebrities:

01) Clint Eastwood

02) Mickey Rooney



03) Cher



04) Wayne Newton



05) Martin Short



06) Barbara Streisand



07) Jennifer Aniston



08) Michael Jackson



09) Jerry Lewis



10) Bill Cosby

You can read that over and make your time judgements. As said before, leave your predictions in the comments section. Whoever wins at the end of the year gets- aw, shit, I dunno. Something that will make this worth your time.

Here are mine:

01) Clint Eastwood- July 12

02) Mickey Rooney- June 7

03) Cher- April 20

04) Wayne Newton- October 19

05) Martin Short- November 9

06) Barbara Streisand- September 11

07) Jennifer Aniston- December 5

08) Michael Jackson- May 1

09) Jerry Lewis- September 6

10) Bill Cosby- May 27

Are they sick or near death? Hell, who knows. I mean, death is around the corner for any of us, right? Let’s make like a Mexican Funeral and bask in morbidity in a celebration of life. After all, you’re either in on the joke or you are the joke.