One of the companies I speak with on a regular basis at work, Covad Communications, utilizes Indian Outsourcing for their lower tiers of service. I’ve written about them before.

One of the best things about them, I think, at the least the most entertaining- is the notes they sometimes leave in official company documentation.

Example:

Huh?

Your guess is as good as mine. I wonder if that could hold up in court?

Next up, is time for a little segment we’re going to call Password Follies.

I was speaking with someone’s paid technician the other day when I had to verify an account. I was verifying the password and the technician didn’t know it, so she had to go ask the account owner. When she got back on the telephone, she said something very fast and quiet and completely incomprehensible.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, chuckling to myself. ‘What was that again?’

Here’s why I was laughing:

‘IT’S DICK TWO ASS!’ she said much louder and still obviously put off.

The moral of the story, folks, is that at any given point in time you may have to give your password to someone who isn’t as comfortable with it as you are. Luckily I was the person on the other end of the phone and only raise an eyebrow to passwords like ‘dog felching’ and ‘hot lunch’.

The End

Dear Bill:

Thank you for contacting the National Geographic Society. We appreciate

the great interest shown by our members and friends, and we wish that we

were able to provide individual replies to each question. Unfortunately,

due to the volume of inquiries received, that is many times not possible.

This automatic reply is sent in response to all email inquiries. Many

questions are answered by the following FAQs or by the website index (see

below). Please take a moment to look through them, as inquiries that are

answered by the FAQs will receive no additional response. All the

questions will be read, however; any not answered below will receive a

response, generally within two weeks. Because our staff is quite small, we

are not able to do in-depth research, answer contest questions, settle

bets, provide reference service, or respond by specific deadlines. Don’t

forget that your local public library is an excellent source of information

on almost any topic. The library reference staff will be happy to help you

find what you need.

Thank you,

National Geographic

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Dear Nat’l Geographic:

I got yr. Membership package in the mail today and I just wanted to let you know how excited I am to have joined yr. Elite club. I was ecstatic to learn that I had not only subscribed to a magazine, but a society- NAY, A LIFESTYLE.

I think that’s great. It warms the cockles of my heart, Nat’l Geographic, and I know we were meant for each other.

Still, I’m trying to hammer down the rules for this society. I understand that when one subscribes to a particular society, one should learn the customs, and rules, and laws. I’d like you to lay those out for me in a pamphlet, just so I have a quick reference on the traditions that govern our elite social group and/or class/militia/troupe/as-it-were.

If this is, in fact, the society I know that is, it’s going to have very strong leaders. Possibly from the Animal kingdom. Probably Lion. He probably sings well, too, and is voiced by James Earl Jones. Yes, I’m certain of it. But let’s be serious- I’d like to know about any openings you might have in the party. I feel it’s my obligation to sink my teeth into your political game. To throw my dirty towel in the wash as it were. Ah, hell. You can see where this is going-

Nat’l Geographic, I love you. I want to love your society- NAY, LIFESTYLE, with all of my heart and treasure it fondly until the day that I die. Does our lifestyle involve fold out posters of cave men? Pie charts of volcano eruptions? Hologram covers? The occasional “special issue�? A tote bag? I’d kill a man for a tote bag, Nat’l Geographic. Can I please have a tote bag please please?

On that note, I’ll end this letter. I hope that you are well and mother sends her best. Dad just waved, and Grandma made kissy faces. You’re one of us, Nat’l Geographic. We love you for it.

Yr. Most Appreciative Servant,

Bill Latham

I think an important thing to remember is that I thought that I was going to end up an astronaut, a pilot, or a movie theater projectionist.

That was not the time line version of those dreams and I have accomplished none of them. In fact, the only one that still sounds remotely interesting is astronaut, and I’m certain that I am not qualified for such a position.

Movie theater projectionist- I must’ve been three. My cousin Scott would have still been in college then running the reels over at Indian Hills when Indian Hills still had a movie theater. I worshipped the ground he walked on. He was my only male cousin and a lot of fun to boot. He played the drums, kind of. He’d let me play along with him and we’d crash out beats that would make your rectum pucker. I was too young to understand rhythm. I just understood volume.

He joined the military and was stationed in Germany for a long time, then ended up the press secretary at the Pentagon. He resigned in September 2000. Quit the service completely. I haven’t talked to him years and I feel like I should follow up with family more often, but I’m lazy, and I’m uninterested, and I’m apathetic, and I’m drunk, and I’m not a Republican, and I’m- I don’t know- making excuses.

I wanted to be a pilot too- not a fighter pilot! I wanted to fly those big 747’s and leave jet trails across the skies. When I was younger I would lie on my back in the grass and trace the lines with my index finger. Later on I would do the same thing with constellations. And after that, a handful of times, psilocybin. The colors, friend, are insane. I remember thinking that everyone around me looked like Lawn Gnomes. That’s not to say that they grew beards and several feet shorter- but it is a description that’s completely lost in words and I’ll stop n-

I wanted to be an Astronaut. The idea of there being no gravity and floating from room to room seemed amazing. I watched my share of space movies growing up, but when my sister and I pretended we were in outerspace, it was more Buzz Aldrin than Han Solo. More Sally Ride than Captain Kirk.

I never was a movie theater projectionist. I don’t regret that. I don’t see very many movies.

I never was a pilot. I’m near sighted and don’t want to fly.

I never was an astronaut, but I’ll be goddamned if I’m not a space man. I’m landing in the craters on the moon and it’s made of green cheese and I’m lactose intolerant.

‘Cause I’ve seen your kind many times before

And I’ll see ‘em many times again.

Oh but every bad thing that’s happened to you

has happened to better men.

So don’t explain that you’ve lost your way

that you’ve got no place to go.

You’ve got a hand and a voice and you’re not alone

Brother that’s all you need to know.

-Phil Ochs

A friend of Henry’s contrasted God’s career

with Mozart’s, leaving Henry with nothing to say

but praise for a word so apt.

We suffer on, a day, a day, a day.

And never again can come, like a man slapped,

news like this

-John Berryman

The Souferian family was ‘from Persia’, they told me. A curious euphemism, but an understandable one. A way to avoid persecution and bias or just awkwardness and bad jokes. The same reason I didn’t want them to know I was Jewish. Some words are best left unsaid.

-Aaron Cometbus

The confidence that he got by being selected all-state in football lasted him all of his life. He was killed in an automobile accident when he was twenty-two. He was buried on a rainy afternoon. Halfway through the burial service the minister forgot what he was talking about. Everyone stood there at the grave waiting for him to remember.

Then he remembered.

‘This young man,’ he said. ‘Played football.’

-Richard Brautigan

The first part of the buzz is always the best… there’s this moment when you slip into it and it’s like, ‘ahh, RELIEF!’ It’s this whole physical, visual thing. I remember my buddy Mark saying ‘When I get high, everything gets high with me- EXCEPT PEOPLE‘… and it’s so true. It’s people- STRAIGHT people that always wanted to fuck with your head… you have to work so hard to maintain that first warm glow.

-Charles Burns

Here is your daily entertainment. I’ll post the answers tommorow or the next day. Take a screen cap and fill it in or print it out.

The I’ll Probably Die Here and Other Midwestern Stories Crossword Puzzle

Hi Bill,

Thank you for writing!

The product you have contacted us about has been discontinued. We are

sorry that we do not have any remaining stock, however it has been replace

with Suave Balancing Shampoo.

Our company’s goal is to provide consumers with a variety of products to

meet their needs and preferences. As you know, marketing is a complex

function, and many business factors are taken into consideration before

discontinuing a product. Before a product becomes available at the retail

level, much time and expense is involved in perfecting the formulation,

consumers focus testing, and marketing support. It truly saddens us when

we must discontinue a product. However, consumer demand is a major

factor. When the level of demand is insufficient to ensure that consumers

receive high quality products at an affordable price, the product may be

discontinued.

We apologize that this product is no longer available and hope you will

continue to enjoy our products.

Thanks for your interest!

Your friends at Suave

Memory is a funny thing.

Case in point, I hadn’t thought about this particular memory in a long time.

I was seven or eight years old back then. I don’t remember which, but it was one or the other. I lived in a neighborhood that many children lived in. Some of them were absolute hell raisers. I wasn’t one of those kids. I was quiet and kept to myself most of the time- a habit that has not changed with the years.

My family had pulled into the drive way at our house after church and Sunday school when a neighbor who lived on the other side of the block greeted my mom by the mail box. Apparently, the day before, someone had taken 4 twigs and left them in the key locks on her station wagon. Her husband said that he’d seen me do it.

That was the story anyway. I didn’t do it. Vandalism wasn’t something I got into before college (and even then, I’m loathe to call the Obey Giant project ‘vandalism’.)

My parents believed me, but for the rest of the day kept saying things like ‘we’d only be mad if you were lying’ or telling me about times when they had done things as children and not been honest about them. That really got my goat. I didn’t want to have to argue, but I was innocent.

I think the thing that finally convinced my parents of my innocence was when I asked my mom who that lady was. I didn’t recall her prior to this memory. But I held it against her for the rest of my childhood. And she held it against me too. So much, in fact, that she cancelled her World Herald subscription when I became the paper boy later on in Elementary school.

Years later, I found out they’d actually figured out it was one of the little bastards who’d lived up the street from us. I’d known that for a long time. Today though, thinking about this in the shower, was the first time I’d realized that we still held that grudge even after all the facts came in.

People are funny. So are memories.