Last night I conducted a scientific experiment.  I hadn’t enjoyed a single drop of booze in 10 days due to the quitting of smoking cigarettes.  I had figured I’d better get used to not smoking in general before I tried to get used to drinking and not smoking.

Well, we’re in luck.  It turns out I *can* drink and not smoke.  I did have one especially brutal craving come up, but in passed in a few moments and I spent the entire crave talking to Keef on the phone like a psychotic.

There were some unfortunate consequences for the experiment though.  While I did succeed in not inhaling any cigarette smoke, I neglected to keep track of how many beers I’d had, and ended up over doing it a little bit: Dude, I got plowed.

I ended up waking up at 4:30 AM with a pounding headache.  I took an Excedrin, a glass of cold water, and a brief hot shower.  I felt better and went back to bed.

Today I have a head cold.  It’s pretty brutal so far.  My throat’s dry and hoarse.  My nose is leaking like a faucet.

Holy shit, it’s June.

I suppose I’m in need of an update.  It’s been a pretty good summer so far.  I’m currently ten days off cigarettes (wahoo).  My friend Melissa is coming for a visit next week. I saw the RZA a couple weeks back.  I went tubing a few weeks back. Uh…I should blog this shit after I do it. My memory is poor.

I’ve been renting a lot of DVD’s lately- I just got tv again!  Barb and Keef were getting rid of an old set and hooked me up.  I haven’t had tv at home in a couple years.  It’s pretty sweet.  I’ve been watching a lot of the newest Doctor Who series and whichever movies happen to strike my fancy when I’m at the video store.  Good times.

Have you heard that new Hold Steady album yet?  It’s sweet.

I dreamed that I got a job working at a public swimming pool.  It was my job to push TV’s on inner tubes towards the middle of the pool so swimmers could kick back and watch movies or shows or whatever.

I fucked up.  I accidentally sank one of the TV’s.  It was plugged in.  It electrocuted a whole bunch of people.  I got fired.

Then I woke up.

I’m used to having nightmares. I’m used to having utterly bizarre dreams that find me waking up in the morning confused as all hell and maybe even feeling a little bit dirty. I’m used to having dreams where I’m trying to scream at the top of my lungs or shout at someone or yell back at someone and find that I cannot make a sound.

But I wasn’t ready for the utter G-Ratedness of the dream I had last night and I’m almost wondering if somewhere parts of it were subconsciously buried from a children’s story- if you can figure it out you’ll have to tell me.

I dreamed there was a King. I don’t know what his name was. Hell, I didn’t even talk to him in the dream I just observed him and was somehow apart of his court. He was issuing a decree of sorts and looked like a cross between every B-movie king in existence and the Burger King. He made a lot of pronouncements, but I’ve already forgotten them and was more in need of a shower on waking than jotting them down.

The King was getting married. He was in need of 100 architects and bakers because he was building a wedding cake castle for the thousands of people who would flock to wherever the fuck we were at for his wedding. Strangely enough, the meeting didn’t take place in a castle or palace or anything fancy- it happened in the garage of the house I grew up in.

After the meeting I went to high school for the last day of school. Generally if I’m having a dream that involves high school it’s a nightmare. This one was different. My high school Spanish teacher made us all move our desks into a semi-circle and started passing out cans of beer. That’s when I woke up.

Dear Sherwin-Williams,

You bastards. Oh you bastards. You pinko-world-domination-seeking-crazy-sons-of-bitch-bastards. For years I’ve been content to think of your company as a simple manufacturer and retailer of paints of all kinds, but today I stumbled across something so incredibly terrifying that it scares me to confront you so. Even through this epistle.

What I’m referring to, Sherwin-Williams, is your company logo:

(for a larger, slightly different version, click HERE.)

I had never before seen this in my life and I’m now at a loss for why a simple paint manufacturer that does business in both North and South America would be advertising a Communist Conspiracy to take over the world on their delivery trucks. That’s where I saw this logo, by the way. I was waiting for the bus and minding my own business when one of your trucks rolled by and the pieces of the puzzle clicked into place.  You red bastards.

Red paint. Cover the Earth. You bastards. Even if I’m miles off on the politics of your campaign, I cannot understand in good faith how you would advertise such wanton destruction of our planet by covering it in red paint. Even the oceans? For fuck’s sake! The oceans should be the purest blue and not covered in red paint. What the hell?

Noticing that your company is based in North and South America and wishes to spread a campaign of red across the globe, I can only assume you are in cahoots with Hugo Chavez. Perhaps even China (through some secret network that will be revealed to us at a later time- perhaps I’ll have to contact Alex Jones and David Icke to hammer out all the details).

I’m onto you, Sherwin- Williams. Watch yourself.

Sincerely,

Bill Latham
Austin, TX