so, since we don’t have assigned seating at my job I am constantly setting up different computer desktops and personalizing them only to have them get reformatted and wiped every couple weeks. sometimes I get lucky though and come across a seat I’ve had before and forgot all about.

enter today.

I booted my computer up and was greeted by my favorite flag of any nation: Mozambique

I encourage you, especially if you have a work computer you get to lock and broadcast an obnoxious desktop image on to your co-workers to consider Mozambique.

A much larger version can be found Here.

[start scene]
[symphonic music gradually builds throughout the entire scene gaining more speed and intensity as time progresses]
[fade in from black]
[close up shot of a man’s eyes and nose. the eyes are both wide open and bloodshot.]

 

NARRATOR
We were so innocent back then.

[shot cuts to a man and woman lying side by side smiling in a bed.]
[shot cuts back to close up shot of man’s eyes.]

NARRATOR
No one ever said that the monsters were real.

[shot cuts to the same man and woman backed into a corner in a dark room screaming.]

 

NARRATOR
No one ever said that one day my ejaculations would sprout
legs, learn to walk, and terrorize me.

[the following sequence of images hit one after the other in rapid order.]

[shot cuts to a small child with two axes running towards the camera.]

[shot cuts to the screaming couple.]

[shot cuts to police sirens.]

[shot cuts to a fetus in the womb.]

[shot cuts to the woman giving birth.]

[shot cuts to the man passing out cigars at his office.]

[shot cuts back to couple screaming in the corner.]

[shot cuts back to small child with two axes with blood on his face licking his lips.]

[shot cuts to a black screen]

[music ends with an ominous drum roll]

IT CAME FROM MY VAS DEFERENS
Christmas 2009

There are plenty of better ways to spend time on a Wednesday afternoon than spending that time in a cubicle.  I spend a lot of Wednesdays in a cubicle.  In fact, if I were to tally up the last 5 or 6 years of my life, I’d find I’d spent the overwhelming majority of Wednesdays in some sort of cubicle or cramped workspace.  Thems the breaks, after all.

Yesterday was a Wednesday of epic proportions.  And epic portions.  Yesterday I experienced veritable meat drunkenness- hell, perhaps to drive the point home we should call it quantifiable meat drunkenness.  Whichever one you like.

 

Barb took Keef and I to lunch at Fogo De Chão.  If you were too google search the name “Fogo De Chão” you would find a result that says “Full Frontal Meat ATTACK!” which is a pretty apt way of wording it.

Fogo De Chão’s website explains how their service works better than I do.  Observe:

Operating under the unique service concept of espeto corrido, which translates from Portuguese as “continuous service,” Fogo de Chão satisfies palates and the desire for something original. Instead of ordering from a traditional menu, Fogo de Chão offers a prix-fixe system where guests can sample the entire menu, or just focus on their favorite items.

Each guest uses a two-sided disk to control the pace of their meal. The green side signals the Gaucho chefs to bring out skewers of sizzling fire-roasted meats to carve at the table. The red side indicates a stopping point. Turning back to green lets the Gaucho chefs know to start offering the meats again.

The traditional side dishes of warm cheese bread, fried bananas, crispy hot polenta and seasoned mashed potatoes are automatically brought to each table and replenished throughout the meal. The restaurant’s award-winning wine list, traditional Brazilian beverages, and a variety of decadent desserts complement the experience.

Put simply, they stuffed us like Thanksgiving Turkeys with 15 different cuts of meat coming from lamb, beef, pork & chicken.  It was amazing.  We noshed and noshed til our bellies said “knock it off”, then had coffee and dessert.  This was around the time the meat drunkenness kicked in.  Perhaps “lethargy” is the word I was looking for.  I don’t know.  I’m not really looking to start a discussion on the condition I keep referring to as meat drunkenness, when I’d rather be pointing out that Fogo De Chão was incredible, and that Barb is a both a Saint and a Humanitarian.

 

“What a drag it is getting old.”
-The Rolling Stones, ‘Mother’s Little Helper’

She no longer dyes her hair auburn so it has become gray with the passing of the years.  She spends her days watching soap operas, games shows, and court television while seated in a recliner that three decades worth of her grandchildren fondly think of as “Grandma’s chair”.  She usually wears a house dress and slippers as she rarely ever goes out.  She does not drive or own a car.  Once a month she collects a pension check from the Union Pacific Railroad paid out in memory of her deceased husband as well as social security.

She does not own very much or live very expensively, though she owns her house and it has long been paid for.  It is filled with personal effects going back to the 1920’s.  Her entire life is wrapped up in this place.  She and her husband bought the little home right after the war.  The furniture- two china cabinets, a kitchen table and chairs, an upright piano, an armoire, and an old oak desk, among other less memorable pieces- mostly dates back to the 1950’s and though the pieces are all certainly well used, retain their looks. The old woman and her husband raised a family in the little house.  Their children grew up there, moved on, married and had children of their own.  Now in her reclining years, her children grown, her husband dead, and her youth long since passed, she lives a quiet life in this castle with her cat.

Every Wednesday the old woman fills a basket full of her dirty laundry and descends a treacherous old staircase to the basement to clean her clothes in a washing machine she purchased during the Nixon administration.  The stairs are slippery and well worn.  Wood slivers hang off the edges of the steps and the old woman has had to pick them from her toes more than once.  Some of the steps still retain patches of gripped tape- intended to reduce the slipperiness- but years of neglect, use, and cat scratches have reduced their usefulness entirely.  This is why the old woman slips so easily this morning.  One moment she is walking down the stairs with her head in the clouds and her thoughts somewhere else.  The next moment her foot glides out from under her and she is making a face-first airborne descent into the basement.

As the old woman crashes face first into the concrete floor her dentures shatter on impact.  She can feel the shattered ceramic pieces in her mouth before she spits a mouthful of blood and false teeth in every direction.  Her gums are throbbing and as she reflexively bites down, they grit together in place of her missing teeth.  The shock of gum connecting with gum leaves her shattered.  How could this happen?  How has this happened?  This moment has been the actualization of a secret fear her grown children have expressed more and more as of late.  Late night coast to coast phone calls always seem to beg an answer to the question of “should we put mom in a home?”

“It’s only a matter of time, after all.”

Now that the moment has arrived the old woman finds that two things have happened.  One, her entire life flashes before her eyes in a flip book styled hallucination of vivid memories and events one after another in rapid succession.  She sees herself growing up in fast forward and speeding madly through her life right up to her present.  Two, she is filled with the overwhelming fear of death.   As her false teeth shatter and her body crashes to the hard floor she is shocked away from those memories and thoughts and delivered into an utterly painful reality.

She moans.

The moan is so low in pitch that it barely sounds like a pronounceable human noise.  It sounds like the tone of a chord from an organ sustaining with no changes or lulls.  It’s a solid one note drone that does not fade out.  The old woman can feel blood running to her face from broken capillaries as well as the instant swelling of her bruised skin.  Her moaning undiminished, she reaches to her hip and clutches it realizing it is filled with a stabbing pain.  Though the hip pain is excruciating, she realizes she cannot feel her legs at all.  She is numbly aware of their weight and presence but at this juncture in time they are neutral entities from her body.

Lying on her stomach, she moves her arms in front of herself and begins to crawl across the floor on her elbows.  The pain in her hip spikes and she winces as she continues her crawl.  Her legs sag behind her- totally motionless- limp like bean bags.  Slowly, she rotates herself towards the base of the staircase and looks up at the imposing path she will have to ascend on her belly.  The staircase only has twelve steps but it seems like a tunnel miles long in this condition.  The light at the end of this tunnel pours in from the kitchen.

The old woman’s cat is standing at the top of the stairs surveying the scene for the noise she has just heard.  The cat’s name is Sadie.  Sadie is a black short haired cat with several brown and white patches.  She has the exact same coloration as a dairy cow and due to her owner’s unwillingness to spade her is constantly in heat.  While the old woman sits in her recliner and spends the days watching television, Sadie is usually curled in a ball in the front bedroom masturbating as only a house cat totally removed from the company of other felines can do.  Her purr is accompanied by loud mews at varying (and disturbing) volumes.

Sadie sees the old woman lying on the floor at the bottom of the staircase and slowly prowls her way down the steps to investigate.  The cat can hear the old woman moaning in the same discordant tones that only now are beginning to falter.  Sadie brushes up against the old woman and begins to purr.  She licks the old woman’s swollen face as if to say “Let me take care of you. Everything will be fine.”  Sadie’s nonchalance and support makes the old woman tear up a little bit.  Or perhaps the tears come from the feline allergy the old woman ignores for the sake of her companion in life.  Regardless, her eyes are watery.

Amidst her darting thoughts the old woman realizes that her nose is dripping blood and not just a tiny bit of blood for that matter.  In fact, her nose has been bleeding like a leaky faucet since her face connected with the floor, but only now, minutes later, has she actually become aware of this fact.  A pool of blood is growing larger with each passing moment and in some spots has even begun to dry.  There is a red striped blood smear down the front of the old woman’s house dress.  The shear volume of spilled blood makes the old woman acutely aware of the danger in her situation.

There is no telephone in the basement of the house.  The only telephone in the whole house hangs on the wall of the kitchen where it has hung since the Kennedy administration.  The old woman stares up the flight of steps towards the light of the kitchen and swallows in the back of her throat.  She will have to make it up this flight of stairs if there is any hope of calling someone for help.  She will also have to do this before she loses too much blood and passes out.  Time is of the utmost importance and the old woman understands that she needs to call an ambulance post haste.  She also reminds herself to give the ambulance crew instructions on where to find her spare key on the house’s back porch as she is locked in and will not be able to open the door for them.

“I don’t want to die.  Not yet. Oh Lord, not yet.”

This is her mantra.  This is her chakra. This is her pep talk to herself.

“I don’t want to die.”

She begins the ascent of the stairs on her elbows.  Her legs are totally useless and while she is aware that they are dragging behind her, catching splinters from the steps as well as bruising and bleeding she cannot feel any pain in them whatsoever.  They are totally numb.

“I don’t want to die.”

Sadie slowly follows along with the old woman pausing here and there to lick her face in an offering of encouragement.  Sadie is wide eyed and purring.  The old woman is wide eyed and terrified.  Each inch feels like years are passing.  As her legs catch on each splinter of wood and her blood continues to spill, the seconds even start to feel like years.

“I don’t want to die.”

The old woman hoists and heaves herself up the staircase step by step stopping only to catch her breath every few seconds.  The pain her hip strikes in debilitating spikes and she is utterly positive that her hip bone is broken.  With her hip in a perpetual state of pins and needles she grits her gums together remembering the shattered dentures on the basement floor.  Her big pink gums clench together tightly as she heaves and hoists and plods her way up the staircase on her stomach until she reaches the final step and stops in the landing of the kitchen to catch her breath.

“I don’t want to die.”

Having made her way to the kitchen, the old woman sighs exhausted.  Sadie darts up the remaining steps and stops in the kitchen.  The old woman tries to collect her thoughts while accounting for her injuries.  The most difficult part of her ordeal has passed.  She rolls over onto her undamaged hip and stares down at her legs and house dress.  The house dress is covered in blood all the way down starting at the neck line.  Slivers stick through pinned to the old woman’s legs in some points and holes have been worn in several spots as well.  The old woman is amazed at the gruesomeness of her wounds and her general appearance.  Her damaged hip sends a shock of pain through her body and she refocuses her thoughts to calling 911.

The telephone hangs on the wall above her head but the old woman has no way of standing or picking herself up to grab it from the wall.  She lies on the floor staring up and it and thinks and then realizes she need only find something heavy enough to throw at the phone to knock it off the hook and to her reach.   The only thing within immediate reach is Sadie’s plastic cat food dish.  She reaches to her left and slides the dish into her grasp and realizes she has just stuck her fingers into a mound of wet salmon cat food.  She slides the dish closer to her side and picks it up and flings it toward the telephone.

The first toss is unsuccessful in doing anything other than showering the room in salmon chunks.  Sadie, now confused, has left the room and is hiding under the upright piano from the Eisenhower years in the living room.  The second toss is no more successful than the first and ricochets back at the old woman clipping her in the lip.  She spits blood, picks up the dish and gives it one more hard toss this time connecting with the telephone receiver and knocking it from the cradle to the floor.  She grabs the telephone cord and hoists the receiver to her hands like a fly fisherman enthusiastically making a catch.

Twenty five minutes later an ambulance crew finally arrives.  The paramedics are as awed of the old woman’s tenacity as they are repulsed by the appearance of her injuries.  The old woman’s face has now affected a purplish hue.

“Are you alright, ma’am?” an EMT asks.

The old woman takes a deep breath and exhales.

“Honey were you born yesterday?”

The paramedics strap the old woman to a gurney and wheel her out the front door of her house to the waiting ambulance.  The siren lights are still flashing, though the siren’s volume is absent.  A firetruck is parked behind it waiting. As the paramedics load the old woman into the back of the ambulance, the last thing she mutters before passing out in a Vicodin haze is “make sure you didn’t let the cat out.”

If you ask any kid what they want to be when they grow up, the answer will change frequently.  This is hardly news to anybody.  Choices range from exotic to strange.  Sometimes being the Garbageman sounds almost as good as being a Movie Star.  Sometimes being a Doctor sounds practical and sometimes so does a Priest.

I was just thinking about something I wanted to be in 4th Grade:  Seven Feet Tall.

I wasn’t really sure how one would go about becoming seven feet tall but it sounded good enough.  I wanted to be seven feet tall because I’d just seen the movie “The Rocketeer” and thought the bad guy Lothar (played by seven foot tall, Tiny Ron) had a pretty good gig going (even though he got slaughtered at the end of the movie, and I guess technically was a Nazi….man, what’s up with that being a theme in my childhood?)

Anyway, that dream was not realized so much as it was, in the words of Langston Hughes, deferred.  Hell, I didn’t even make six feet tall.  Oh well.

I don’t remember where I was going with this.  Let’s talk more important matters.

I’m at work right now. As the afternoon approaches, I’ve found myself using Wikipedia to figure out who the guest star on Law & Order: SVU was last night. He looked familiar and I didn’t know why.

The guest star was Frank Whaley, who only a few days ago, I saw in a brief roll in “School of Rock” as a Battle of the Bands director.  When I’d seen him in that brief roll again I went “who the hell is that guy?”

It turns out he was Brad in “Pulp Fiction”. You know- “Look at the big brain on Brad” Brad.

And he was in a movie called “Career Opportunities” that I remembered vaguely from watching one night while I worked the top floor at Harrah’s alone during the month I worked there.  No one was gambling. “Career Opportunities” was on TV. I only remembered that it took place in Target, because the job I had held before working at Harrah’s was an on again/ off again gig at the Council Bluffs Target.

Seeing as how figuring out who Frank Whaley was, was clearly turning into a six degrees of Kevin Bacon type occurrence, I went the extra mile and connected him to Kevin Bacon.  Through “Career Opportunities”.  Through John Candy. Who was in Trains, Plains, and Automobiles which Kevin Bacon had a part in.

UPDATE 12/4/08:

Several sources have informed me that Kevin Bacon and Frank Whaley acted alongside each other in the Oliver Stone movie “JFK”. I apologize for my sloppy Wikipedia research.  I have never seen the movie.

[Queue instrumental “12 days of Christmas” song]

[Camera fades in from black to an external shot of a neighborhood covered in snow.  All of the houses are strung with Christmas lights.  Smoke rises from the chimneys in thick clouds.  There are snow men on front lawns and wreaths hanging from garages.]

[The camera begins to zoom in on one house in particular- a 2 story job with a basketball hoop on the garage, Christmas decorations on the lawn, and other markers of a suburban family.  This is a visible Christmas tree in the front window of the house.]

[The camera pushes through the front window and moves inside of the house.  A young BOY and GIRL in tacky holiday sweaters sit at the foot of the Christmas tree playing with some toys.  There is a mountain of presents underneath the tree.  The living room of the home is covered in Christmas decorations.  Holly, candles, nutcrackers, etc are all over the place.  The camera circles the room until it focuses on the FATHER and zooms towards him]

[The FATHER sits in a reclining chair pouring himself a big glass full of Johnny Walker Scotch.  He sets the bottle down on the coffee table and then downs the entire glass full of scotch.  As soon as the glass is empty he reaches off camera and picks up a bottle of Wild Turkey Whiskey, pours a big glass of it, sets the bottle down on the coffee table next to the Johnny Walker, and downs the entire glass in the same manner he drank the scotch.]

[The camera dances away from the FATHER and into the kitchen where it finds the MOTHER at work.  There are cookie sheets full of cookies around the room and MOTHER is removing a fresh batch of cookies from the oven.]

[The camera glides away from the kitchen and back to the living room where the BOY and GIRL are still at play.  They turn their heads slightly towards the camera and smile.]

[The camera resumes position on the FATHER who now has five bottles of liquor sitting on the coffee table in front of him and is pouring himself a shot of tequila.  He sprinkles salt on the back of his hand, pounds the shot, and jams a lime wedge in his mouth.  FATHER looks slightly towards the camera and shoots it a thumbs up.]

[The camera backs away from FATHER and reveals 10 or 12 crumpled beer cans off to the sides of his recliner.]

[The volume on  instrumental “12 days of Christmas” gradually fades out to silence]

[The camera returns to the BOY and GIRL who set their toys down, walk over to the recliner by their FATHER and sit down Indian style by him]

BOY
Daddy, Michael says Santa Claus isn’t real.

GIRL
What is Christmas really about?

[Queue “Carol of the Bells”]

[The camera holds on the sad, scared faces of the BOY and GIRL.  They look utterly terrified at the possibility of there being no Santa Claus.]

[The camera cuts to FATHER who is obviously in the midst of a drunken haze.  He looks utterly confused.]

[The camera cuts back and forth between shots of FATHER and the BOY and GIRL.]

[MOTHER enters the room with a tray full of treats.]

[MOTHER sets the tray down on the coffee table and the camera pans from left to right across the screen revealing the spread of goodies starting with mugs of hot cocoa, to cookies, to rice krispy treats, to candy canes, and finally… cocaine- already cut up and on a mirror with a rolled up twenty dollar bill on the side.]

[”Carol of the Bells” fades out]

MOTHER
Who wants a treat?

BOY & GIRL
Me! Me! Me! Me!

[MOTHER hands them mugs of hot cocoa and then plates with a cookie and rice krispy treat on them.  She then hands FATHER the mirror with the cocaine and the twenty dollar bill.]

MOTHER
I think that maybe it’s time for a story. What do you think Daddy?

[FATHER snorts all of the cocaine in a couple toots and smiles.  His demeanor changes as well and suddenly he is totally, unrealistically sober.]

FATHER
Why, I think that’s exactly what time it is.

[The BOY and GIRL gaze up intently at their FATHER]

FATHER
Now, son, was this “Michael” who told you that Santa Claus isn’t real that “Michael Schoenstein” you’re always talking about?

[The BOY nods.]

FATHER
Well, son, did you know that Michael Schoenstein is a Jew and that his people killed Santa Claus?  Did you know that?

[The BOY and GIRL both look horrified.  They both shake their heads upon learning this new information.]

FATHER
Well, that’s right.  The Jews killed Santa Claus and hung his body from a tree with the help of the Romans.  So as you can imagine, Michael Schoenstein’s people don’t like Santa Claus very much.  They’ll even insist he isn’t real.  So that’s why Santa Claus doesn’t ever bring them presents.  Has Michael Schoenstein ever showed you any presents that Santa brought him?

[The BOY and GIRL shake their heads again in acknowledgment that Michael Schoenstein has never shown them gifts from Santa.]

[Suddenly, the GIRL’s face lights up and she stands to ask a question]

GIRL
But if the Jews killed Santa, how does he bring us presents every year?

[FATHER unscrews the cap from the Johnny Walker bottle on the coffee table and takes a big swig from it.]

FATHER
Well sweetie, I’m glad you asked that.  I think it’s time I told you what Christmas is all about.

[Queue instrumental “First Day of Christmas” while the family scene fades to black]

[Camera fades in on a desert scene.  MARY and JOSEPH are riding on a camel through the desert in their traditional Christmas Pageant garb.  MARY is very pregnant.]

[”First Day of Christmas” gradually fades out]

FATHER
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

[The actors who portray MARY and JOSEPH should both be black.  We follow them as they enter Bethlehem and encounter other people dressed in Christmas Pageant garb]

FATHER
 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.

[MARY and JOSEPH are settling into a barn for a long night.]

[Queue “Silent Night”]

[The camera pans across the manger scene revealing horses, pigs, cows, donkeys, chickens, and other stock American farm animals.]

FATHER
While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son.

[The scene changes to MARY giving birth with assistance from JOSEPH]

JOSEPH
Come on woman!  I can see his head!

[Mary is screaming.]

JOSEPH
Come on baby! 

[The baby begins to cry as it is pulled from MARY’s womb.  We cannot see it’s face yet.]

[JOSEPH bites the umbilical cord in half with his teeth.]

FATHER

She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

[The camera moves to an above view of the manger and frames the baby, giving us our first clear view of the baby Santa Claus: white as day, blue eyes, and a big white beard.]

[The baby Santa laughs and it sounds like “ho ho ho”.]

[Music segues from “Silent Night” to “We Three Kings”]

[The camera moves to the door of the stable and follows in three shepherds and three wise men as they enter the manger scene.  The wise men each set gifts at the feet of the baby Santa and the Shepherds all bow before him.  MARY and JOSEPH shake hands and converse with them excitedly.]

[The camera pans back to the door of the stable again as this time eight reindeer enter the manger scene and bow their heads before the baby Santa.  They mingle with MARY, JOSEPH, the shepherds, wise men, and stock American farm animals.]

[The camera again pans to the front door of the stable where this time Tiny Tim, Bob Cratchit, Ebeneezer Scrooge and a gang of Victorian English folks enter the manger scene with a Christmas goose, Christmas tree, and parade of “Nutcracker” styled Christmas toys (walking toy soldiers, a nutcracker, a rocking horse, etc.]

[The music segues from “We Three Kings” to “Deck the Halls”]

[The camera zooms in on Tiny Tim who is sitting on Ebeneezer Scrooge’s shoulder]

TINY TIM
God bless us, everyone!

[The camera pulls up and away from the scene slowly giving us a broad view of this strange nativity scene of Baby Santa, JOSEPH, MARY, Farm Animals, Shepherds, Wise men, Reindeer, and Victorians.  As it pulls further out we see a model train is circling all of them around and around again and again.]

[Gradually the scene pulls back so far the nativity is no longer viewable & the scene fades to black.]

[End music.]

[End scene.]

[Close up shot of FATHER’s face.]

FATHER
…and that was the story of the first Christmas. [pauses for dramatic effect] By default.

[The camera cuts to a close up of the BOY]

BOY
What happened next?

[The camera cuts to a close up of the GIRL]

GIRL
I thought you said the Jews killed Santa!

[The camera cuts back to the BOY]

BOY
Yeah!  You said the Jews killed Santa!

[The camera cuts to the MOTHER who is holding another tray of goodies and smiling.]

MOTHER
Now, now…Daddy will get to that part soon enough.  Who wants fruit cake?

[The camera cuts back to the BOY and GIRL]

BOY & GIRL
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!

[The camera cuts back to a view of the tray and like the first shot pans left to right revealing fruit cake sliced on plates, eggnog, ice cream, cool whip, chocolate syrup, and… more cocaine.]

[MOTHER passes out the goodies to each of the intended recipients.]

[The children dress their ice cream with chocolate syrup and cool whip, while FATHER snorts all of the cocaine]

FATHER
All right.. now, where were we?

[Father snorts his nasal drip deep into the back of his throat]

FATHER
Oh yes…that’s right…

[The scene fades out.]

[Queue “Jingle Bell Rock” instrumental version.]

[The camera fades in on a Mideastern village.]

[There are more people dressed in Christmas pageant garb running around.]

[A caption reading “13 C.E.” appears on the screen]

[The scene cuts to a work shop that looks surprisingly like Norm Abrahm’s New Yankee workshop where JOSEPH is busy at work hammering together crosses.  JOSEPH is also dressed like Norm Abrahm instead of wearing the Christmas pageant garb like everyone else.]

[The camera pans to the work shop door as a twelve year old SANTA enters the scene with full white beard.  He is still very much a blue eyed white boy.  He is dressed in Christmas pageant robes.]

[The camera zooms in on young SANTA’s face.  His cheeks are rosy red and he is crying.]

[The camera pans back to JOSEPH who sets his hammer and cross down on his work bench and walks over to SANTA.]

[”Jingle Bell Rock” fades out during JOSEPH’s walk.]

JOSEPH
Santa my son, what’s the matter?

[JOSEPH hugs SANTA who is crying still.]

[The camera zooms in on SANTA’s face.]

SANTA
The kids at school keep making fun of me and telling me I can’t possibly be your son because I don’t look like you at all.

[JOSEPH hugs the young SANTA firmly and sternly in a very fatherly manner.]

JOSEPH
There, there my son.  Perhaps it’s time I told you a story.  I think you are nearly ready for it.  Besides, this year you will turn thirteen which means it will be time for your Bar Mitzvah and you will then be a man.

[The camera cuts to the close up of SANTA’s face.]

SANTA
What’s the story about?

[Queue dreamy music- nothing specific here, just something with harp, or saw, or something that makes musical background noise but not specifically a song.]

[FATHER narrates these sequences]

[JOSEPH is seen in a flash back examining a pregnancy test that has been discarded in a pink looking bathroom.  He grabs his chest in shock.]

FATHER
This is how the birth of Santa Claus came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit.  Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

[JOSEPH is seen flipping through the phone book looking for divorce lawyers.]

FATHER

 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph Claus son of David Claus, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.  She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Santa Claus, because he will bring gifts to the world.”

[The Angel appears to JOSEPH and they mime out a conversation with very exaggerated arm movements, almost like a silent film, while FATHER narrates.]

FATHER
 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Santa.

[Dreamy music fades out and the scene returns to JOSEPH and SANTA talking in the work shop.]

[Camera zooms in on Joseph.]

JOSEPH
So you see, Santa- while I am not your father, per se, I am the Lord’s chosen guardian for you.  Some day you will become an icon of God’s special plan for the world- that everyone should exchange gifts one day a year- and pay extra attention to this particular holiday from as early as Labor Day up until your Birthday.

[Camera zooms in on Santa’s face.  He is no longer crying.]

SANTA
Wow.

[Camera cuts to Joseph’s close up.]

JOSEPH
Yes Santa, you truly are the King of Kings.

[Camera cuts to Santa’s close up.]

SANTA
Ho ho ho!

[The scene fades to black.]

[End scene.]

[The camera fades in to the family room where the children have finished their treats and have chocolate sauce smeared all around their mouths.  FATHER is sitting in the easy chair and rolling a big fat Cheech and Chong styled doobie on a Frisbee.]

[The camera cuts to a close up of the GIRL.]

GIRL

That’s interesting and all Dad…but I thought you were going to tell us about how the Jews killed Santa!

[The camera cuts to the BOY.]

BOY
This is just like your bed time stories!  You talk and talk and talk and they never make any sense!

[Camera cuts to MOTHER and FATHER.]

[FATHER lights up the doobie and takes big deep toke off of it then passes it to MOTHER.]

FATHER
I’m sure there’s a reason for that son.  I’m sure there’s a reason for that.

[MOTHER inhales and exhales smoke from the doobie and passes it back to father.  They do this three times each.]

MOTHER
Who wants pizza!?!

[Camera pans to the children who don’t look excited or hungry anymore.]

GIRL
I’m not hungry.  We’ve already had dinner tonight and all those snacks.

BOY
I’m not hungry either.

[The camera again shifts perspective back to the parents.]

[FATHER passes the joint back to MOTHER who again takes a hit from it.]

MOTHER
Maybe you guys are right.  I guess I’ll just have some Funyuns.

[The children groan.]

FATHER 

Ok guys, I guess we’ll get back to the story.

[MOTHER passes the joint back to FATHER and he smokes more of it.]

[Scene fades to black.]

[Camera fades in to a temple scene.  There are rabbinical looking men everywhere, all with the long beards, and scrolls.  They are all dressed in flowing robes much like the Christmas pageant garb.]

[Queue “Jingle Bells” instrumental as we gear up for a silent montage of SANTA’s younger years.]

[A caption reading “13 C.E.” appears on screen.]

[SANTA is helping JOSEPH build crosses in the work shop.  They stack them against a wall and give each other a hug.]

[A caption reading “15 C.E.” appears on screen.]

[Camera focuses on SANTA in heated looking discussion with a Rabbi.  The Rabbi gestures wildly with his arms above his head and then gestures towards SANTA as if asking him to show him what the Rabbi had just gestured.  SANTA moves his hands like he is holding reigns and guiding a sleigh.  The Rabbi slaps his forehead.]

[Camera cuts to two other Rabbis who are reading off of scrolls that run all the way to the floor.  SANTA stands next to them watching them read and then grabs his belly and has a hearty belly laugh.  We can see his lips distinctively saying “HO HO HO”.  The Rabbis shake their heads.]

[Camera cuts to another Rabbi who is counting a pile of coins.  SANTA hands him a wrapped present.  Bewildered the Rabbi appears to be shouting something.  SANTA hands him an over-sized gift receipt.]

[A caption reading “17 C.E.” appears on screen.]

[Camera cuts to Rabbis putting on robes in a dressing room type setting.  They top off their outfits with yamakas.  SANTA is dressing in what we would finally consider a classic Santa suit with the stocking cap and everything.  The Rabbis stare at him aghast.]

[Camera cuts to SANTA who is now wearing the Santa suit with pride walking around the synagogue passing out presents and over-sized gift receipts as the Rabbis shake their heads. He also has a big brown bag slung over his shoulder.]

[A caption reading “19 C.E.” appears on screen.]

[Camera cuts to SANTA is helping JOSEPH build crosses in the work shop.  They stack them against a wall and give each other a high five.]

[A caption reading “25 C.E.” appears on screen.]

[Camera cuts to JOSEPH and MARY who have other children now and they are swarming around their feet.   SANTA is passing out gifts and over-sized gift receipts to them.]

[A caption reading “30 C.E.” appears on screen.]

[Camera cuts to SANTA as he gives a wrapped present to a Hooker standing by a well.  The Hooker is dressed like a stereotypical Hollywood Boulevard Hooker with fishnets, too much make up, and daisy dukes.  She is also smoking a cigarette.]

[Camera cuts to SANTA as he enters a room with a snow man lying on a bed as though the snowman is dead.  SANTA appears to shout “GET UP FROSTY” and the snowman gets up out of the bed, SANTA gives him a present, and leaves the room.  Thankful people in biblical garb praise him.]

[Camera cuts to SANTA is surrounded by 12 Elves.  The 12 Elves have nets full of fish.  SANTA hands each of them a present and then gestures with his hand in his direction as if to suggest “COME FOLLOW ME.”]

[A caption reading “33 C.E.” appears on screen.]

[Camera cuts to SANTA as he is working on two large lists with his 12 Elves.  One is marked “Naughty”.  The other is marked “Nice”.  They are sitting around a table just like Leonard DaVinci’s “The Last Supper”.

[”Jingle Bells” ends.]

[Scene fades to black.]

[Queue “Carmina Burana”]

[A single light pops up on screen and SANTA is revealed to be kneeling alone in a garden.  SANTA is praying.]

SANTA
My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.

[The Camera cuts to an angry mob led by one of SANTA’s elves.  There are Roman soldiers and Rabbis from the earlier temple scenes as well.]

[The camera pans to three of SANTA’s elves rush to his side with swords, but they are subdued by Roman soldiers.]

[The camera follows the crowd as SANTA is arrested and is led away.]

[”Carmina Burana” fades out as the scene fades to black.]

[The camera fades in a mob scene. Enter Pontius Pilate and several other soldiers.  SANTA stands nearly nude, except for a loincloth that looks similar to his Santa suit, in front of the crowd.]

FATHER
 Now it was the governor’s custom at the Feast to release a prisoner chosen by the crowd. At that time they had a notorious prisoner, called Barabbas. So when the crowd had gathered, Pilate asked them, “Which one do you want me to release to you: Barabbas, or Santa who is called Claus?” For he knew it was out of envy that they had handed Santa over to him.

[The camera pans to the crowd who roar at the request from Pilate.]

[The camera focuses on Pilate.]

FATHER
While Pilate was sitting on the judge’s seat, his wife sent him this message: “Don’t have anything to do with that innocent man, for I have suffered a great deal today in a dream because of him.”

[Pilate looks very disturbed.  The camera follows his gaze as he looks at SANTA who has very clearly been beaten by the soldiers.  One of the soldiers gives SANTA a wedgie.]

[Camera pans to shot of the crowd.  They are waving fists and jeering at SANTA who is still being picked on by Roman Soldiers on the stage.  One of the soldiers gives SANTA a wet willy.]

FATHER
But the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and to have Santa executed.

[Camera refocuses on Pilate who addresses the crowd.]

PILATE
Which of the two do you want me to release to you?

[The camera cuts to the crowd who begin to shout.  The shouts are staggered at first and then more united.]

CROWD
Barabbas! Barabbas! Barabbas!

[The camera cuts back to Pilate.]

PILATE
What shall I do, then, with Santa who is called Claus?

[The camera zooms in on Pilate’s face.  He is sweating and looks horrified.  He is silent and his mouth is agape.]

[The camera cuts back to the crowd.  They are totally united in their shouts now.]

CROWD
Crucify him!  Crucify him!

[The camera returns to Pilate who is clearly even more disturbed by these turn of events.]

[Pilate reaches his hands to the sky as if begging to a higher authority, perhaps.]

PILATE
Why? What crime has he committed?

[The camera cuts back to the crowd who have made up their minds.  They continue to pump their fists to the sky.]

CROWD
Crucify him!  Crucify him!

[The camera cuts back to Pilate who gestures a sort of “over here” gesture with his right hand off camera.  Two servants bring out of a basin of water and Pilate begins to wash his hands.]

FATHER
When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd.

PILATE
I am innocent of this man’s blood! It is your responsibility!

[The camera focuses back on the crowd and closes in on TINY TIM who has somehow not aged a day since the Manger scene from earlier and is still perched on Ebeneezer Scrooge’s shoulder.]

TINY TIM
Let his blood be on us and on our children!