Item #1: Joe has two nuts.  They are pecans.  Emily has 9 times as many nuts (pecans) as Joe but only half as many as Roxanne.  Roxanne has 4 times as many nuts (pecans) as Billy Bob who happens to have 1000 fewer nuts (pecans) than Mrs. Reubans (hag)  the old widow who lives alone at the end of Elmwood Lane.  Mrs. Reubans (hag) has twenty corpses (dead bodies) in her basement.  Her next door neighbor Milkman Ed has twice as many corpses (dead bodies) in his basement as Mrs. Reubans but only 3/4ths as many corpses (dead bodies) as Crazy Jack Donally (douche bag) the used Car Salesman up the street.  Crazy Jack Donally (douche bag) has one third of the corpses (dead bodies) of the United Methodist Graveyard in his basement.  How many of the corpses (dead bodies) are policemen?  Also, how many nuts (pecans) does Billy Bob have?  Please state your answer in the form of a Venn diagram.

Item #2: The Chinese railroad is not merely an important part of American History but it is also a state of mind.  I would like you to sit on the floor in a lotus position and to please close your eyes.  Clear your mind.  Clear your mind.  Clear your __________.  You are light as a board and stiff as a feather.  With your eyes closed I would like you to imagine the sound of running water.  Imagine you are sitting next to a trickling stream in public restroom.  You are sitting directly between two bidets and two fat women come into the restroom, lift up their dresses and plop down.  Don’t move.  You must remain perfectly still.  The water continues to trickle.  You can hear it.  Drip. Drip. Drip. Tinkle. Tinkle. Tinkle. Drip.  One of the women cuts a loud fart and instead of being startled you breath deeply and exhale through your nose.  You count to ten. Eins. Zwei. Drei. Vier. Fünf. Sechs. Sieben. Acht. Neun. Zehn.  The trickles continue.  You open your eyes.  The fat women are not actually women but sentient robots sent back from the future to destroy you.  The Chinese railroad is a state of mind.  You count to ten.  Uno. Dos. Tres. Cuatro. Cinco. Seis. Siete. Ocho. Nueve. Diez.  The sentient robots from the future sent back in time to destroy you morph into butterflies and flutter away towards Mexico.  The Chinese railroad is a state of mind.

Item #3: A guy walks into the bar.  Under his left arm he has a duck with a nail driven through it’s head and in his right hand is a fully loaded, Uzi Sub machine Gun with suppressor.   The guy walks through the bar and grimaces at everybody he walks past.  He walks up to the jukebox, plugs it full of quarters, and plays all of the Cure’s “Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me” album.  As the drinkers begin to ease up he walks over to the bar and flops his duck down on the counter top.  The duck is bleeding profusely from the head, but manages a quack.  The bartender nods and pours down six shots of Jose Cuervo Tequila.  The duck flops over to the shot glasses, picks them up one at a time with his beak, and downs the tequila in six big gulps.  The jukebox sings “You’re so gorgeous I’ll do anything.  I’ll kiss you from your feet to where your head begins. You’re so perfect. You’re so right as rain. You make me, make me, make me, make hungry again…”  The duck falls off the bar.  The nail pops out of his head. Blood sprays everywhere.  The guy looks at his Uzi and slides it across the bar.  The bartender nods and picks it up.  The bartender’s grip tightens around the trigger and he grabs the suppressor with his left hand.  He walks around from behind the bar and levels it at the quacking, bleeding duck and pulls the trigger.  The drinkers scream.  A flag flies out of the barrel and says “BANG!”- just like that, even with an exclamation point!  The bartender shakes his head.  The jukebox sings “Spinning on that dizzy edge. I kissed her face and kissed her head and dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow.  ‘Why are you so far away?’ she said. ‘Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you? That I’m in love with you.’”  The duck stands up and covers the hole in his head with a tuft of feathers.  The duck hops up onto the counter and stares right at the bartender.  He squints him down and shakes his head.

“Fuck you,” says the Duck.

“Go fuck a duck,” says the Bartender.

Item #1: A tree falls in a forest and hits a mime- incidentally, the mime is also a lumberjack & all the lumberjacks in his company are mimes, and that being the case we are left with many unanswered questions- chiefly 1) If a mime is a lumberjack and chopping down trees is he using an actual ax or is it a pantomimed ax? 2) Was the tree visible to human eyes or was it merely a part of an act 3) If the tree was in fact a real tree how did it fall down? Was this a force of nature? What was the average MPH speed of the wind? 4) Do lumberjack mimes wear black flannel? 5) Did it make a sound?

Item #2: Two cars are traveling down the same one lane country road at 75 miles per hour in the dead of night- their bright lights are turned on- the radio is cranked up extra loud- they are currently 10 miles apart. Car #1 contains a driver who has drank three six packs of Old Milwaukee, one half pint of Canadian Springs whiskey, snorted 2 grams of powder methamphetamine, and is listening to .38 Special’s Greatest Hits. Car #2 contains a driver who has just shot and killed his wife, teenage daughter, and 5 year old son, stuffed their bodies in the trunk and is speeding down the road so he can dispose of the evidence. He has been eating oxycodone every day for the past six months and has lately been experiencing the intestinal cramping that comes with damaging a GI tract. If both cars continue at the current speed, and both drivers are extraordinarily distracted, which one will veer off the road into the drainage ditch first? Also, what kinds of cars are they driving?

Item #3: “He flew through the air with the greatest of ease, the daring young man on the flying _____________.” A love story about circus acrobats & circus animals. The missing word is unpronounceable in English, yet in Swahili means something that translates roughly to “elephant penis”. This is a tale of forbidden love between Simba, an African Elephant and Marty K. Simmons a daring young man on the flying _____________. Their love was as misunderstood as it was misproportioned. Joel Siegal states that it’s “like Dumbo meets Brokeback Mountain meets Dumbo meets Brokeback Mountain.” Gene Siskel gives it two thumbs up and he’s been dead for 10 years. Rated NC-17.

Item #4: She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Loves me she. Not loves me she. Loves me she. Not loves me she. She me loves. She not me loves. She me loves. She not me loves. A caveman begins to express himself. He struggles with the words as much as he struggles with pulling the petals off a tundra flower. The flower has reached a maximum growth of 10 centimeters in 150 years. It is the Late Pleistocene epoch. The caveman spends his days searching for food in a party of hunter/gatherer neanderthals with wooden spears, dressed in animal skins. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Loves me she. Not loves me she. Loves me she. Not loves me she. She me loves. She not me loves. She me loves. She not me loves. The caveman looks up at the stars by night and dreams of the love of his life. She has a beard almost as thick as his and the hairiest set of breasts a man has ever lusted after. She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Me loves she. Me loves she not. Loves me she. Not loves me she. Loves me she. Not loves me she. She me loves. She not me loves. She me loves. She not me loves. Coming soon to A&E.

Item #1: A pornographic movie about Jesus Christ & his Twelve Disciples and their adventures wandering the Mediterranean coast in search of orgies and exotic strange entitled “Jesus is Coming”.  Posters in Adult movie stores everywhere contain the tag line “He turned water into wine and Cougars into FOXXXES”.  The movie contains an AVN award winning scene wherein Jesus is teased with whips by two sexy Roman Soliderettes as well as a scene where Judas commits several acts of auto-erotic asphyxiation before the Devil sends him several hard bodied temptresses and 30 pieces of silver which are featured heavily in the Last Supper Orgy at the end of the feature.

Item #2: A documentary about the United States Treasury Mint in Denver, Colorado entitled “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” hosted by Jonathan Lipnicki of “Jerry Maguire” fame, who probably really could use the work anyway and who really gives a goddamn if the title was a Tom Cruise line?  Lipnicki is guided around the mint and learns facts while pointing at heavy machinery, asking pertinent educational questions, screaming “SHOW ME THE MONEY!” to no one’s greater amusement, excepting dry arm chair types who will watch anything PBS puts out.  This could also work as a twelve part miniseries.

Item #3: Dick Cheney, feeling remorse- nay guilt- for the first time in his entire existence overcomes his programming, learns to feel these…human…emotions… learns to love- truly love- feel pain-ETC.- and cannot cope with his role in two separate Bush Presidencies.  Cheney becomes suicidal and sticks a gun in his mouth in a final attempt to right many wrongs.  Unfortunately, and by sheer accident, he has a heart attack before he can actually pull the trigger.

The latest news on the latest brews. Oh yeah.

Beer #45 Southern Star Bombshell Blonde

Beer #46 Avery White Rascal

Beer #47 Bear Republic Racer Five

Beer #48 Independence Oatmeal Stout

Beer #49 Independence Austin Amber

Beer #50 New Belgium Fat Tire

SXSW 2009 has come and went again.  Oh I miss it already.  I’m still pretty amped on the good times though.  I saw several of my favorite bands & live acts, only a few things I was totally indifferent too or didn’t like so much, drank several gallons of booze, and had a genuinely good time. I’m not going to blog about it quite the same way I did last year- I don’t see the need to repeat myself in storytelling- I did have just as much fun though (maybe even more) I must say.

I got to see Dillinger Four twice.  Let me retype that I GOT TO SEE DILLINGER FOUR TWICE!!!!  The first time I saw them was immediately followed up by a Hold Steady set right down the street.  That was sickly awesome. I told my friend Jordan about it this morning and I think he summed it up pretty correctly:

[10:36] Jordan Brand: that is the best thing i’ve ever heard
[10:36] Jordan Brand: ever
[10:36] Bill Latham: it was pretty killer
[10:36] Jordan Brand: now that you’ve reached the high point of your life. what are your plans?

The crowd vibe at the D4 shows was totally awesome- really it was the same vibe at the Hold Steady shows- everybody singing along at the top of their voices- fists pumping in the air- lots of happy olderish folks- a great time really.  I still maintain that “Midwestern Songs of the Americas” is my favorite album and their newest effort “C I V I L  W A R” is the best thing they’ve put out since “Versus God”….which is pretty misleading I suppose considering there’s only one record between the two… anyway, I still love the shit out of that band.  The last time I saw Dillinger Four was on my 21st birthday and that was absolutely the best possible thing that could have happened on that birthday.

Compared to most bands that I liked in high school, I’d say Dillinger Four has only gotten better for me with age.  The older I get the more I identify with what the songs are about. I was a little sad they couldn’t play “Fuck You, Ms. Rochelle” for me- Eric was down for taking a request from an old Cog Factory kid,  but Lane was unable to tour as he & his wife just had a kid & the tour drummer didn’t know the song- but anyway, there’s a line in that song that I love that’s all about growing up and if goes “If the me of then could see me now, he wouldn’t even listen up anyhow, he’d say ‘I knew you when you used to matter’, but I’ve known him since he wasn’t so easily flattered”. I love that.  The older I get the more I get it.

Anyway… I did see bands that were not Dillinger Four or the Hold Steady.  I’ll throw a list on the end of this so you can see everything, but I will mention that 1) Mathematicians, Bus Driver, Obits, MM/DD/YYYY, Doctor Krapula were great acts I’d never seen live before & a lot of fun, 2) When did Cursive become barely distinguishable from the Good Life? What happened to the crazy time signatures and staccato riffage & everything I liked about them?  Seriously guys…they played maybe 3 songs I really dug, and I used to love that band. 3) Sugar & Gold and Gravy Train!!! totally fucking rule.  I’ve seen Gravy Train!!! once every year now since moving here and it’s always a good time. I also saw the Thermals twice…not on purpose, but accidentally and quite happily the second time. It certainly made the 20+ minutes I waited in the porta-john line in Waterloo park more pleasant.

SXSW 2009 list of bands I saw:

Bomba Estereo, Poper, Monareta, Doctor Krapula, Needy Visions, 50 Million, Bus Driver, MM/DD/YYYY, Mathematicians, Wild America, Pete & The Pirates, The Thermals (x2), Cursive, Obits, Darkest Hour, Dillinger Four (x2), The Hold Steady, Phranchyze, Terp 2 It, Jesse McDangerously, MC Frontalot, Lord T & Eloise, Lucero, Drying Spells, The Botticelli’s, Bart Davenport, Sugar & Gold, Gravy Train!!!

And the venues I attended: Speakeasy, 301 Chicon St Art Space, Bird’s Barbershop, The French Legation Museum, Club Deville, Red 7, Prague, Waterloo Park, The Radio Room, Beerland, Vice Magazine Party @ 311 E 5th

I had a weird dream the other night. I dreamed I was back in Omaha again and was living in a really shitty neighborhood.

Anyway, my sister’s boyfriend (who I’ve never actually met in real life, nor do I know what he actually looks like) wanted me to take a camera phone picture for him for some reason and when the flash blinked, he got sucked into the camera phone and trapped there. Sort of like that episode of the new Doctor Who series where people get sucked into the televisions. Naturally this freaked me out.

People accused me of murdering him and nobody believed me that he was stuck in a cellphone. I tried to explain it to my sister, but she got super pissed off and called the cops. I got arrested and had to live in the Rorick for the rest of my life.

Beer #33Boddingtons Pub Ale

Beer #34512 Pecan Porter

Beer #35Real Ale Fireman’s #4

Beer #36Lagunitas IPA

Beer #37Strongbow Cider

Beer #38Ommegang Abbey

Beer #39512 Wit

Beer #40Bear Republic Hop Rod Rye

Beer #41Magic Hat #9

Beer #42New Belgium Mighty Arrow

Beer #43Deschutes Black Butte Porter

Beer #44)Belhaven Scottish Stout

There is an Iowa that I remember and I am
not quite sure if it was a dream or waking
life- Amber highways surrounded in golden
ears of corn, paved black top by state
contracted construction crews, posted speed
limits no higher than 45 MPH, obligatory
service stations one small town jaunt at a time,
and apple orchards.

There is an Iowa that I remember- nay, reminisce
upon- an old lover that I fondly remember
upon unlaid nights full of too much beer and not
enough company- an afterthought  before my
head hits the pillow- might I wake up tomorrow
and find that life is but a dream, sweet heart?
Times change and I have followed the course-
forward, that is- as if there were a choice- don’t
look back- what’s the point in that?

There is an Iowa that I remember as large as an entire
globe- nay, a universe unto itself- the world can
wait, there’s nothing out there- a John Mellecamp song
unwritten- a high school sweet heart fat and pregnant-
a Christian sect with your name spoken for- chain
restaurants that pass for haute cuisine and the latest
fashions dictated at twenty dollars a pop in every
shopping mall and outlet store.

There is an Iowa I never fell in love with, though
between dinner plate eyes and starry night
kisses and whispers in post-coital ears, we
all knew the charade for what it was- a board
game- from a garage sale- loved briefly and
then forgotten and filed away in closets of the
mind next to other skeletons- a one night stand
twenty five years long and nobody exchanged
phone numbers in the morning.

There is an Iowa I fear and always will, I suppose-
where the youth of my friends was put to sleep-
metaphorical sodium pentothal shots
administered like notches on a belt or merit
badges earned towards a goal in mediocrity-
there is an Iowa I want no ownership of, though
it has shaped me.  There is an Iowa.  There is.

Oh Iowa- when I speak of you now, no one questions
my current station. Oh Iowa- I dream of returning
to your soil like combat veterans dream of battlefields-
to make peace with the horrible past and leave it
behind forever- like Kansas (the band)- “…all we
are is dust in the wind.”

Oh Iowa- somewhere people get trapped in your
maize of corporate farms, slipping away kernel
by kernel, an ear at a time, to other places
and other stations, the world can’t wait for you alone.

Oh Iowa- you are not the Grant Wood painting you
have made yourself out to be- unless Grant Wood
drove through the  countryside by night stealing
tanks of anhydrous ammonia and the accidentally
exploding RV meth labs in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Oh Iowa- stop grand standing your great seal in front of
us and fly your flags at half mast for all your children
that  have already left  and for all the ones who
have never come back.

There is an Iowa and it is but a starting point-
there is an Iowa and it is a dead end- there
is an Iowa and it is but a settlement in a
dispute case as of yet unwritten- there is an
Iowa I do not cling to-  there is an Iowa I cannot
call friend- there is an Iowa I find personally ugly-
there is an Iowa- there is an Iowa- yes, there is.

There is an Iowa in my outstanding awkwardness
that no amount of time can remove- there is an
Iowa in my closet wrapped in mothballs next
to all the skeletons- there is an Iowa that birthed
me and taught me my first words- there is an
Iowa that raised me- educated me- left me to
my own devices to hit my forehead on every
rung of the ladder- for better or worse.