One of my co-workers posted a link to THIS website in our work chat and I was immediately reminded of the scourge of my early tech support years: the Netpliance I-Opener. There’s also a bizarre blog from a user of the Go Computer that reads like the worst ad copy you’ll ever see.

Oh, but we’re not done yet. I was interested in learning more about First Street, the company who makes this product and found a veritable gold mine of Senior Citizen themed products.

The Little Sleeper

Which as a sleep machine, boasts of having “3 hours of clinically proven music for sleep”.

There’s everyone’s favorite Cell Phone too:

The Jitterbug

and an entire catalogue of Mobility Solutions- you know, Chairlifts & whatnot.

But this one… oh this one, totally blew my fucking mind:

A Steel Drum

Which boasts that it’s “Non-violent, non-video, non-computer entertainment”.

Because everyone knows about the violent entertainment that Senior Citizens are constantly subjected to!

FLASH FLOOD (rated R)
Potentially starring Kevin Costner, Michelle Pfeiffer, Paul Giametti, William Shatner, with James Cromwell

After a small town preacher (James Cromwell) condemns the city of Kansas City for becoming a “new American Sodom” the rains ironically begin to fall for 40 days and nights. A family man (Kevin Costner) and his suicidal wife (Michelle Pfeiffer) try to rekindle their withering love affair while their basement begins to fill with water and her wrists consecutively begin to open. Rain Historian Greg Witherspoon (Paul Giametti) begins tracking the history of Kansas City rain storms and fears that this may be the one that God promised would never happen again. Whoring drunk Mayor Winston Carlisle (William Shatner) dares the rain to keep on pouring and provides comic relief.

Oscar Potential: Will not contend with Another Holocaust Movie. In this instance, Another Holocaust Movie being a summer comedy by Friedberg & Seltzer.

Early Winter (rated PG)
Potentially starring Miley Cyrus, Dylan and Cole Sprouse, and Raven-Symoné

Shortly after the 4th of July, a nation wide blizzard covers the United States in snow at an unprecendented level since the last ice age. Naturally, this means school is called off for a snow day starting shortly after Labor Day. With this much snow on the ground, it’s not killing anyone to wear white! School Girl Jessie Peterson (Miley Cyrus) and her two identical boyfriends (Dylan and Cole Sprouse) come of age in a family friendly musical film about what might happen if the entire United States was covered in snow for a year. There are snowball fights, forts, and sled rides aplenty. An embittered young woman (Raven-Symoné) comes to grips with her past while serving as the musical narrator.

Oscar Potential: Nil
Sequel Potential: HIGHLY FUCKING LIKELY
Merchandising Potential: CHA-CHING

SMOG (rated PG-13)
Potentially starring Nicholas Cage, Tommy Lee Jones, Jodie Foster, Bruce Willis, Uma Thurman, Julianne Moore, and RZA

2029 Los Angeles is nothing like the Los Angeles we all know and love today. The sky is never blue and the air is scarcely breathable. In the mornings, the Morgue Unit of the LAPD removes the corpses of suffocated hookers from Hollywood Boulevard by the dump truck load. Enter Tommy Stockwell (Nicholas Cage) an Air Filtration Specialist going head to head with Captain of Industry and Major League Polluter Benjamin Briggs-Tarry (Tommy Lee Jones). Stockwell fears the air will kill everyone within 3 weeks, while Briggs-Tarry is only motivated by the almighty dollar. Three Eco-Terrorists (Jodie Foster, Uma Thurman, and RZA) try to sneak their way into Briggs-Tarry’s compound to ignite a “clean air bomb”, while grizzled and embittered detectives Harrison (Bruce Willis) and Murphy (Julianne Moore) cruise around town just trying to make sure everyone is breathing.

Oscar Potential: Maybe, and only maybe, if we replace Nicholas Cage with Will Smith.
Sequel Potential: *shrug*
Merchandising Potential: Action Figures, oh yeah!

This arrived in my inbox this morning. I was greatly confused:

from: vneal@*********.com
subject: CWWE Training

Hello, LCES Teachers—

Thanks for a great day. I really enjoyed my time with you Rowdy Ladies and Gentlemen and look forward to returning on November 19.

I have attached those handouts I promised. (Be kind in evaluating my expertise in screenshots and arrows and such.) Remember, if you need or want anything else, let me know. And be sure to email me with your questions.

Valerie Neal
Educational Consultant
Curriculum Advantage
Cell: 601-***-****
vneal@*********.com

from:Bill Latham
subject: RE: CWWE Training

Dear Valerie,

We’ve got a problem here. A big problem. If problems were game animals and you and I were big buck hunters, we’ve got a ten point sumbitch in the room that we’re gonna need extra ammo to take down. I’ll shoot it dead if you would be as so kind to slit the bastard’s throat and let it bleed out. You can even keep it’s rack for yr wall..

That said, let’s get down to business.

Where the hell is Desoto county?

Who the hell are all these people on this mailing list? I’ve scoured it seven or eight times successively and do not recognize a single name. Also, I am not a teacher.

I’m sure there is another Bill Latham that this mail was intended for. I’m sure he’s in Desoto county in fact, judging from the list of addresses that came with this mail. I’m sure he’d love to get his e-mail and I’d be kind enough to forward it along given the opportunity.

I don’t have any further comments or metaphors to spew. Pardon my vitriol.

-Bill Latham
Austin, TX
“My name is Legion: for we are many.”

from:vneal@*********.com
subject: RE:RE:CWWE Training

Bill, Bill, Bill—

You scared the pooh out of me!!!!! I trained at that school yesterday on a web product and the beginning of your email made me think the whole product had disappeared from the web or something. I’m a tired, old woman. I don’t need the stress!!!!!!!

Anyway, sorry about the mistake. I must have put in or left out something from MY Bill Latham’s address. I’ll try to do better.

By the way, Desoto County is a lovely area of MS just below Memphis, TN. Part of it is the flat, fertile land of the MS Delta and the rest is soft, rolling hills. Not too far from Austin; you should check it out if you’re ever over this way.

Sorry to have disturbed you.

Valerie Neal
Educational Consultant
Curriculum Advantage
Cell: Cell: 601-***-****
vneal@*********.com