This is part three of a five-part series. For part one, click here.

Welcome to Mitching 103: Super-Advanced Mitching.

In today’s class, we’ll build upon the Basic Mitch techniques we learned, as well as the Advanced Mitching tips and tricks we learned yesterday. Additionally, we’ll learn a few new techniques to take your Mitching to the next level.

Earlier this year, I had a child. It was wonderful. Shortly thereafter, Mitchell came to visit, so that he could spend time with his niece. I foresaw an opportunity, and so before he even arrived, I began crafting the next Mitch, using the “Notes” app on my iPhone. This was a fairly rough outline; I sculpted a few key phrases, peppered in some horrific imagery, and left myself plenty of room to incorporate real-life details. As the trip progressed, I would periodically go into my phone and edit and rewrite the Mitch, adding some things, and removing others.

At one point, Mitchell handed me his phone so I could read an article. Then he went to the bathroom.

I knew I had mere moments. I quickly texted the Note from my phone to Mitch. Then, I opened it, and pasted the Mitch-in-progress into Facebook, making a few minor adjustments; posted it; posted the first comment on my phone. When Mitch came out of the bathroom, I had the article back up and he was none the wiser… for a few minutes, anyway.

This was my masterpiece up until this point. The advanced technique of pre-writing allowed me to craft a much more fully realized Mitch. I could pre-fill the Mitch with all sorts of art that allowed for a better finished product:

KEY PHRASES: “jittery splurts of feces hurried their egress from my tender b-hole;” “my khaki shorts looked like leopardskin;” “rivulets of hot brown coursing down my calves.” These are the exact sorts of details and images that are the most difficult to produce on the fly. For example, if I had been quickly two-finger typing as Mitch banged on the bedroom door while demanding the return of his phone, there is no way that I could have come up with that stuff. Having the freedom to create these beforehand put me ahead of the game.

DETAILS FROM LIFE: The phrase “I could feel her tiny body strain against me every time she shot out a jet of doodoo” comes directly from a text message sent to me by my wife. “Cramming ruined [clothing] into a Ziploc” is something that every new parent is deeply familiar with.

The lesson here: when you can, pre-craft as much of the Mitch as possible.

NOTE: Shortly thereafter, I found that I had been Mitched myself. Mitch, while I slept, mashed my unconscious thumb onto my iPhone; my thumbprint, unawares, unlocked the phone. From there, Mitchell was able to spring his revenge:

A wonderful example of the Mitch. Quick, concise, evocative. Follows most of the main rules: 1. I had eaten a Philly Cheesesteak. I do change a lot of diapers. 2. “Keef here.” “This is DEFINITELY KEEF.” 3. The Bristol Stool Chart graphic is an inspired addition, as we had been discussing it earlier that week. It could have come earlier on the comment timeline, but its inclusion is beautiful.

I began crafting my response immediately.

Join us tomorrow, for Mitching 104: Mitching Masters Seminar.

More lectures in this series:

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