By now, everyone is familiar with those goddamn emoticons. You see them cropping up on message boards, chat programs, websites, and even e-mails. And they annoy you a lot.

One of the biggest problems with these little things, is that they ignore many of things we feel and think about on a daily basis.

Here are some new emoticons, just for you, for our coming year of 2004.

Listed below our illustration is a chart, explaining these new friends of ours.

Figure I
The hostage scene from Pulp Fiction.

How many times have you been unable to communicate that you were trapped in a basement, at the mercy of rednecks, on the cusp of being anally raped when you were on the internet? That’s what I thought.

Figure II
Facial humiliation.

One of these days you’re going to want to tell one of your friends that some time right after you climaxed, someone gave you a finish all over your face. What better way to express that, than the internet?

Figure III

Arrrrrrrrrr matey. Shiver me timbers. Let’s spend the day in davey jones’ locker. All your friends know you’re a pirate, but do the people you chat online with know? Now they do!

Figure IV

Everyone knows someone they would rather they never have to speak with again. Show them once and for all how much you hate their fucking guts.

Figure V
I’m taking a shit. Leave me alone.

Why log off or leave an away message when you can just pop up an emoticon that says it all?

Figure VI
Al Jolson.

I just really like the jazz singer. That’s all.

Figure VII
I have no feelings for anything.

Your parents will probably want to use this one more than anyone else, while you’re relating different tales on how you fucked up your entire life.

Figure VIII
Dude, I’m really, really, really, really high.

While we have to imagine that the person who invented emoticons was probably saying this to themselves, now you can show the entire world the same thing.

Figure IX
I’m wearing KISS make up.

Your “friends” already hate your guts and don’t want anything to do with you. This one was custom tailored for you, pal.

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