I heard mustaches were the hip new thing, so I thought I’d try a few different ones out. Only now, there are so many different ones to choose from, I’m beside myself with what one is right for me.

So I’m asking you, nay begging you, to help me pick the mustache that’s right for me.

Here are your choices:

1)The French Waiter

Classic. Simple. Classy, perhaps.

2)The Barbershop Quartet

Good bye, my Coney Island Baby.


Yeah, you were expecting this one.

4)Super Mario

Jump on mushrooms, squish turtles, and shoot fire.

5)Groucho Marx

Say the secret word and you can win $50.

6)Mad Dog

I do live in Council Bluffs, and I did grow up here…

7)The Prize Fighter

Actually, this one is just here for contrast. Cleaning permanent marker off of your face is a bitch.

So vote, fuckers!

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