31 Days of Horror, Part 4: Cheese it, the Fuzz!


Welcome once again to a discussion of horror movies that I’ve seen this month, in an effort to watch 31 new-to-me horror movies in 31 days. Today, I’ll be talking about three of them.

Here we go.

18. WolfCop (2014)

Honest to god, the lead guy’s name is “Lou Garou.”

This movie had me right where it wanted me within five minutes. In the following screenshot, the coroner investigating a heroin overdose death has just set his cruller down on the knee of the deceased in order to put on his latex gloves. It was a throwaway moment. Wasn’t on screen for more than a second or two. And I couldn’t stop laughing. You got me, WolfCop.

There are a number of screenshots I won’t post here of the actual transformation that “Lou Garou” undergoes to become a werewolf. The reason I will not post them here is because they show graphic blood graphically spurting out of his graphic penis. It’s hilarious, and made Ed Ringtone say “You had me at blood piss,” but I have to draw the line somewhere regarding what I’ll show on this blog. And as evidenced by yesterday’s post, that line is “Somewhere a little short of where BBC TV will.”

I’ll still show you some of the hilarious gore, don’t you worry.

The basic premise of the movie is that a small-town, asshole, lazy, alcoholic cop becomes a werewolf at the hands of “shapechangers.” The shapechangers do this so that they can then trap the werewolf during the eclipse, when he is vulnerable to harm, and then drain his blood. Drinking (or snorting) werewolf blood allows the shapeshifters to retain their powers, and stay alive for centuries, as long as they have a supply. The actual procedure for lycanthropization is a little out of the known canon, but whatever. Asshole drunkard cop becomes a werewolf.

What more do you need, really?

The following screenshot comes from a scene wherein WolfCop stops a small-town convenience store robbery being perpetrated by three idiots in pig masks. Yes. Three little pigs. One of them screams “What are you?”

He growls back, “The Fuzz.”

Then there is a five-minute montage where the WolfCop takes his car into a closed Auto Body Shop and makes sparks fly everywhere. He’s wearing goggles, he’s got the pneumatic drill, the whole thing.

He’s converting his sheriff’s car into the WolfCopMobile, you see.

The goddamn WolfCopMobile.

Then he goes driving around the rural roads looking for crimes to stop. One conceit of the movie is that during the full moon, the WolfCop straight-up cannot be harmed. So there are lots of fun shots of him just getting riddled with bullets and not giving a single shit.

Anyway, at one point, WolfCop crams his head out the window and starts sniffing. He can smell trouble. He can smell a meth lab, miles away. What’s a WolfCop to do, but go and bust it up?

I don’t want to give too much away, but there is, of course, a love scene, between WolfCop and a woman dressed like Little Red Riding hood. It comes out of nowhere, it takes place in a jail cell, and all of a sudden cheesy soft-rock starts playing and there are candles everywhere.

The only way it could have been any better is if they’d actually gotten the rights to “Take My Breath Away” and played that instead.

The problem with most movies that attempt to do the whole balls-to-the-wall, goofy 80s funny-action movie thing, is that they tend to fail miserably. They don’t understand what makes things cheesy-funny. They often accomplish the cheesy, but it’s not the right flavor of cheesy, or it’s cheesy but not funny, or they take lot of pauses to stare straight into the camera and grin and gawk, miming “look how funny we’re being.”

Usually, unless the movie was actually made in the 80s, and was actually made by someone trying in earnest to make a good movie, your average faux-corny shitty movie will fail. It will fail horribly, and it will make me hate you forever.

WolfCop is that rare beast, a movie that somehow gets it right.

I went into this with low expectations. I saw this movie pretty much solely because I already bought the soundtrack on vinyl. I only bought the soundtrack on vinyl because a guy a sort of know, Randy Ortiz, did the art for it. Randy is fantastic. And the art is fantastic. And the gatefold of the vinyl is basically what convinced me to give the movie an honest shot. Here is that gatefold:

I can’t recommend this movie highly enough. It is so ridiculous, so low-budget and high-laughter.

19. Road Games (1981)

Road Games was another pleasant surprise. I only watched it for two reasons: Stacy Keach and Jamie Lee Curtis.

Stacy Keach plays a long-haul trucker in Australia. He’s been working four days straight with very little sleep, and he’s called upon to do another job–hauling a truckload of meat to Perth. He’s a little on edge, pretty tired, and also convinced that he’s being followed by a knife-wielding maniac who’s already killed a bunch of girls on a rampage.

Jamie Lee Curtis is a hitchhiker he picks up along the way, and who becomes involved in the investigation.

This is basically a road movie– 80% of the film takes place inside the cab of the big rig– and as such, I expected to be bored. I was surprised that I was engrossed throughout. Mostly due to Stacy Keach’s incredible acting abilities, especially when paired with the various misfits he interacts with along the way. The driver maintains a running commentary about the people in the other cars, and it’s often funny.

Additionally, the pacing and camera work is top-notch. It simmers for long periods of time before breaking into a boil, and the third star of the movie is honestly the Australian scenery.

Slow, pretty, well acted and directed. Two thumbs up.

20. Visiting Hours (1982)

Michael Ironside, William Shatner, Lee Grant, and Linda Purl. What could go wrong?

Goddamn everything.

Needlessly cruel, stultifyingly slow. The Shat and ol’ Ironside do their best, and turn in pretty good performances, but they can’t save what is essentially a brainless, crappy, poorly-done slasher flick.

Join me next time for a discussion of four more movies, one of which is godawful, one of which was pretty good, and two of which are cheesy and awesome.

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