This conversation discusses the fable of The Anesthesiologist and the King of Foxes, which is one of my Horrible Little Fables series; if you haven’t read it, you probably should before you read this. My conversation partner is Bill, who thoughtfully created the illustration for that fable.
Here we go.
Bill: The real moral of this story, I think, is that you should just shoot all animals with broken limbs.
Keef: ahahahaha! Sounds good to me.
Keef: OH FUCK IS THAT A TALKING FOX (blam!)
Bill: Let’s write an updated script for Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner about a talking fox.
Keef: IS BESTIALITY EVEN LEGAL IN WISCONSIN, DEBRA?
Keef: I’M SORRY HONEY I JUST CAN’T CONDONE THIS
Bill: Since you’ve been researching foxes, I’ll leave it up to you to come up with an appropriate racial slur for them.
Keef: I WON’T HAVE MY DAUGHTER SHACKING UP WITH A GODDAMN VULPER
Bill: I like the sound of that!
Keef: IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN YOU STARTED WEARING THAT FALSE TAIL TO HIGH SCHOOL HONEY
Keef: REMEMBER HOW THE BOYS ALL CALLED YOU HULPER?
Keef: I HATE TO SAY IT BUT THEY HAD A POINT
Keef: SEPARATE BUT UNEQUAL, THAT’S WHAT I’VE ALWAYS SAID
Bill: oh god, she’s a furry too?
Keef: haha! Mostly, it’s a way to slip in the gross degraded version of the slur. “Human vulper,” see.
Bill: DON’T LET THE DOGGY DOOR CATCH YOUR ASS ON THE WAY OUT
Keef: ahaha! YES!
Keef: HONEY COME GET YOUR BOYFRIEND’S SHIT OFF THE LAWN
Bill: BEFORE HE EATS IT
Keef: I HOPE YOU DON’T EXPECT ME TO SET A PLACE AT THE TABLE FOR THAT THING
Keef: OKAY HONEY I PUT RED’S PENNE ALLA VODKA IN A BOWL ON THE FLOOR I HOPE THAT’S OKAY
Keef: WELL NO DEBRA I DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW THEY’RE STRICT CARNIVORES! FUCK ME FOR NOT KNOWING THAT! GODDAMMIT!
Bill: Was there any violence in Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner? Because FOX HUNT!
Keef: ahahahaha man, you’re getting dark. I guess we’ll need to get Bobcat Goldthwait to direct.
Keef: He gets our voicemail and is like “Goddamnit. You make one movie where someone bangs an animal from the Canidae genus…”
Bill: haha. I wonder where the Animal Rights people will land on it?
Keef: That all depends on whether or not the family learns to love and accept the fox by the end of the movie.
Keef: If it ends with a fox hunt, I’d suspect they wouldn’t be fans.
Bill: I figure we can turn the fox hunt scene into a homage to Predator.
Keef: Is the fox the Predator, or that weird faux-Indian fellow?
Bill: I think the Fox is Jesse Ventura. We’ll establish that he’s a Sexual Tyrannosaurus early on.
Bill: That actually just means you have itty bitty arms and a monster dong.