This is part four of a five-part series. For part one, click here.

Good morning, students. Welcome to Mitching 104: Mitching Masters Seminar. We’ve learned the basic rules for quickly, effectively, and creatively crafting fake Facebook posts on behalf of others, indicating that they have soiled themselves. We’ve picked up a few Advanced tips and tricks. Just yesterday, we learned some Super-Advanced techniques.

This morning, we’ll bring them all together, with two of the finest examples known to man.

A little over a week ago, my family flew up North to enjoy a Labor Day vacation. Remember, students, that the most recent salvo in the Mitch game had come from Mitch himself. I was itching to return the favor. Before I even boarded the plane, I had begun crafting a Mitch of the highest order. I had several hundred words before we even landed.

We landed, disembarked, and gathered. Early in the evening, my father-in-law brought out a ridiculous number of craft whiskeys. They live right on the Kentucky-Ohio border, and whiskeys are plentiful and amazing out there. Over the course of the evening, Mitchell and I each drank fourteen small-batch or craft whiskeys. Some were bourbons, some were ryes. The vast majority of them were delicious. I maintained a list, which I added to the Mitch-in-progress. The entire time, I was planning to get Mitch incredibly drunk, and then post my masterpiece.

Do any of you see the problem with my plan?

That’s right, students: I also got very drunk. This led me to snatch the phone from Mitch’s hands and run, giggling, into another room. Mitchell quickly disarmed me and I was unable to complete the Mitch. Later that night, I attempted to sneak into his room, where I discovered that his phone was held in a death-grip. When I attempted to extricate the phone, his eyes snapped open, he growled, and he pushed both his phone and his fist underneath his pillow (and therefore under his head) before he immediately fell back asleep.

My plans were dashed. Then I fell asleep, woke up a few hours later, and damaged my eye trying to remove my hardened, gluey contact lenses. (This is true. Because of the 7mm abrasion on my cornea, I have to wear eyeglasses for another week.) Anyway.

The following morning, I woke up to find that the impossible had happened.

I had been Mitched again. A double-Mitch.

This is truly an incredible example of The Mitch. This is a master at work. This is Mitch Mastery. That said, this is clearly the work of more than one master: I can see Bill’s fingerprints all over this as well as Mitch’s, and I’d be willing to bet that there were even more cooks working on this broth, turning it into a miasmic stew of delight.

To add even more to the quality of the Mitch, it bears all the hallmarks of perfect Mitchery. This was clearly crafted, at least in part, beforehand. However, it contains many perfect relevant timely details: the horrific airplane scenario, the truth that I was going to be spending a lot of time in a swimming pool. It even contains the first initial comment from Mitch, one minute after the post.

This is Super-Advanced Mitchery. It is perfect on all levels.

To add insult to injury, this was posted at 5:38 AM, only perhaps four hours after we had both sampled fourteen whiskeys. I had tried several times to get access to Mitch’s phone, and had failed repeatedly. Yet, he had hoodwinked me, apparently on his first attempt.

Over the course of the trip, each night I would attempt to secret away Mitchell’s phone. He was perpetually on guard, and slept like a cat. I failed again and again. I grew despondent; I often snuck off in secret to work on the Mitch, writing and discarding hundreds of words, knowing that my window was closing.

The final night, I had one last opportunity. I opened his door an inch at a time. I crept like a gecko across his floor on only my fingertips and the tips of my toes. I spent a half hour working his hand out from under the covers.

At last: success.

Please join us tomorrow for our final class, when we will explore Hypothetical Mitchery, and examine new directions.

More lectures in this series:.

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