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I’M THE LITTLE JEW THAT WROTE THE BIBLE

It’s my second day off work. So on my calendar it’s sunday. I’m going to go worship at my church tonight. 4 full hours of communion. And there’s bible study at Cali Taco’s at 4 PM. I hope my god knows I love him.
=
“I never really believe what women tell me.”
-Steven Wright, Natural Born Killers
=
Give us a kiss.

I’m pretty sure the Hot Snakes are better than your band.
=
I like eggs a lot, but I’m pretty sure that Kelly likes them more than I do. And more than you do.

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.

“Give me crack and anal sex
Take the only tree that’s left
and stuff it up the hole
in your culture.”

-Leonard Cohen, The Future

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THESE IDLE HANDS, THEY DO THE DEVIL’S WORK

It’s a few days before payday. You’re down to the last of the food you have and it’s time to eat something.

“I think I’ll have a sandwich!” you say to yourself.

So you go to the fridge and you examine what you have for sandwich fixings. And you find enough tuna salad for one and a half sandwiches and a mostly eaten leftover bowl of macaroni and cheese.

“Oh man,” you’re thinking.

Well, think no more friend. Mix the two together and you have what I’m calling a tuna casserole sandwich. And it’s pretty tasty.

Also the cat keeps following me around while I’m holding it and it’s creeping me out.

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WANNA GROW UP TO BE, BE A DEBASER

From: “Dr Aret Danga”
To: bill
Sent: Tuesday, May 13, 2003 7:13 PM
Subject: Urgent message for you, please respond immediately.

From :Dr Aret Danga

Attn: Sir,

RE: MONEY TRANSFER / INVESTMENT PROPOSAL
INTRODUCTION: l am Dr Aret Danga a Civil Servant in
the Ministry of Health. l know this proposal will come
to you as a surprise because we have not met before
either physically or through correspondence.
I got your contact here
in Nigeria and have no doubt in your ability to handle
this proposal involving huge sum of money.

THE SUBJECT: My father Chief Danga(Now Late)
was the Royal Head of my community, ELEME (an oil rich
town) in Nigeria. My community produces 5.8% of the
total crude oil production in Nigeria and 0.5% of the
Dollar value of each barrel is paid to my father as
royalty by the Federal Government. My father was also
the Chairman of ELEME Special Oil Trust Fund.
In his position as the Royal head and Chairman of the
Oil Trust Fund, he made money which is as a result of
backlog of royalties Which accrued over the years of
which I am now liable to as the only heir .
The money is Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand
US Dollars($10.5m).
This Money originated from the accumulated royalties
between 1976-1999 . Due to poor banking system in Nigeria
and political instability as a result of past Military rules
(1985-1999) , it was our wish that the funds lodged at the
security arm of the Apex Bank of Nigeria will have to be moved
abroad for investment.
And in the interim this funds will be made payable to the
beneficiary as we will tender.

THE PROPOSAL: Just before my father died he called my
attention to the money and charged me to look for a
foreigner who would assist me in the transfer/investment
of the funds abroad as I am in the services of government
and well known and therefore forbidden by law to handle
any business transaction or hold an account abroad.
So l would be very grateful if you could accept to help
me achieve this great objective,as the one whose custody
the funds will arrive on trust.
I promise to give you 20% of the total funds transferred
to your vital account as compensation for your assistance.
Ten percent(10%)would be set aside to take care of all expenses
We may incure during the transaction. To indicate your
interest, contact me urgently and confidentially as I have told
you that I am in government and will not be seen to violate any
of the rules they have laid down regarding people who are in their
employment list and again as a result of the bulk of money involved
and once you are satisfied with this term you inform me immediately
for more information and the roles you will play in this
business. I want to assure you that once you agreed that the transaction is
100% risk free and we will move ahead immediately
to conclude it together and do also the necessary investment together.
May the almighty God bless you.
Yours faithfully

Danga

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HE NEVER GOT FED UP WITH LIFE HE WAS JUST STRUCK DOWN

The Biography of Keith Rutledge

forward by Bill Latham

I met Keef back when were both renegade PFC’s in ‘Nam. The year was 1968 and our platoon was one of many in the now famous failed Tet Offensive. Those V.C. bastards bombed the living hell out of us and Keef and I were the only survivors from our unit.

We ditched our packs and all unneccessary weight we could, opting instead for our m-16’s and a pack of government issue smokes each. We even threw out our decks of playing cards and matches because we wanted to travel as lightly as possible.

It was hell, that ‘Nam.

We walked our way through jungle and swamp at night using the stars as our map, just trying to find our way back to base camp. It was 7 solid days of hell, the only thing we had to drink was water that gave us dysentary. But we trudged on, sick but strong, to make it back to camp.

On the seventh day we gave up traveling by night and instead went out in daylight. We were sick and hurting and figured if we were going to die, we had better do it and take as many of those V.C. bastards as we could with us.

We cut through a field when all of a sudden we heard a noise. We got down on our knees and could see what looked like black pajamas through the clearing.

“It’s V.C.,” I said. “It’s gotta be V.C.”

Keef nodded and steadied his m-16. We lept through the bush ready to fire. What we found suprised us even more.

It was V.C. It was the man in the black pajamas. But he was wounded fierce and at his sides were two children, nursing his wounds. They saw us and took several steps back.

Now, Keef was usually a lot calmer than I was, but then, on that fatal night of the Tet, I didn’t watch three of my best friends take bullets directly in the face. Keef did. I caught a glance of his face and could see all the rage pouring out.

“YOU SONSOFBITCHES!” he screamed and he unloaded half of his clip into the wounded V.C. “YOU DIRTY, YELLOW, SONSOFBITCHES!”

The kids were terrified. Now, like I said, Keef is usually very calm and very precise. But I suppose even I can’t blame him for what happened next.

“THERE’S A BOMB STRAPPED TO THAT KID!” He screamed and started firing at the kids. I was so shocked, I didn’t even know what to do. I did what any soldier would have done, I suppose.

I opened fire. We shot both of the kids and dug a shallow grave for our three kills with our bare hands. Keef was sobbing like a baby the entire time, and I kept cussing that goddamned geneva convention over and over again.

We made it out of there alive though. And to this day, Keef is one of the best friends that I have.

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EVERYTHING IS LESS THAN ZERO

I heard mustaches were the hip new thing, so I thought I’d try a few different ones out. Only now, there are so many different ones to choose from, I’m beside myself with what one is right for me.

So I’m asking you, nay begging you, to help me pick the mustache that’s right for me.

Here are your choices:

1)The French Waiter

Classic. Simple. Classy, perhaps.

2)The Barbershop Quartet

Good bye, my Coney Island Baby.

3)Hitler

Yeah, you were expecting this one.

4)Super Mario

Jump on mushrooms, squish turtles, and shoot fire.

5)Groucho Marx

Say the secret word and you can win $50.

6)Mad Dog

I do live in Council Bluffs, and I did grow up here…

7)The Prize Fighter

Actually, this one is just here for contrast. Cleaning permanent marker off of your face is a bitch.

So vote, fuckers!