STUMBLING DOWN THE BOULEVARD LOOKIN’ FOR THE HEART OF SATURDAY NIGHT

Let’s Discuss my favorite links list today. I’d like to point out that the following people are not just figments of my imagination and are important folks who’s stuff you should read. I’ll also tell you how I met them and maybe share a colorful (or off-colorful) anecdote about them.

Keef
Keef is a very special lad to me. He hosts this blog or whatever the hell name you want to call it. He brings me rum with half naked men on the bottle. He once filmed me running across the spillway of the Coralville dam, completely naked save for a good pair of shoes and a gigantic orange foam cowboy hat. There’s a lot of priceless memories that go with Keef and I could probably write 10-12 pages worth of those memories off the top of my head alone. But I want to share the first memory I have of Keef.

I was sitting in the apartment he and Mike shared in Iowa City on my first night in Iowa City, in August of 2000. Keef was out with Irving at the time. Suddenly, while we were watching Kids In The Hall episodes Mike had taped, Keef burst through the door with a gigantic sack full of frozen meats and tossed one to Mike and another to their room mate of two weeks Mike Herman. He was talking sort of like Charlton Heston and Santa Claus and very excited about the gigantic sack of frozen meats. Then he hugged me.

It was love at first site.

Mike
I’ve known Mike for almost two-thirds of my natural life. We went to Elementary school together, then Junior High, then High School, then College… briefly.

Anyway, he’s a pal from the old school days. Gunn School. Gin and Juice and Tupac on the Jungle Gym even. Ok, ok, I’m full of shit. It’s a small, fairly normal, white bread school for kids like me and Mike.

We were also Cub Scouts together. One of my earliest memories of Mike is him reciting a little limerick that involved him slanting his eyes and pointing at body parts. It went something like “Japanese, Chinese, Siamese, Christmas Trees, Look At These” and ended with him pointing at his 8 year old nutsack.

Priceless.

Sara
Sara is the daughter of local celebrity Mike Gronstal. I’ve known her for roughly 6 or 7 years. We were on the Speech Team and Newspaper staffs together. I remember her and Patty Drey arguing politics all day long while I sat off to the side and drew my cartoon strips.

While I don’t have any hilarious anecdotes about Sara, you should still read her stuff. It’s amusing.

Stewart
What can I say about Stewart? Nothing nice, that’s for goddamn sure!

I’ve known Stewart for about 4 or 5 years, since right after he finished Jr. High. He was a very funny kid and still is. He likes to button and unbutton his shirt alot, and he’s recently fallen in love with Southern Comfort

One time Stewart was meeting my room mate and I for dinner and came over wearing a new, used green coat. He came into our living room, stood there for a moment as if to model it off, and walked over to our couch and sat down. He then sat there for a moment before taking the coat off and said “Guess what, I’m going to be a male model.”

We nearly pissed ourselves laughing.

Stewart said “WHAT?!”

Devin
Devin has been a pal since the very early days of Ninth Grade. I found out he liked Comic Books and the Smashing Pumpkins. I was very much a Smashing Pumpkins fan then, and getting out of Comic Books, though I still at that time read a lot of underground titles.

Anyway, we went on to do Speech together and made it to finals at Districts one year while doing Monty Python’s ‘The Bookshop Sketch’. After that we lost all ambition and retired.

One time I saved Devin’s life from an oncoming semi. He was starting to run across a street and not paying any attention. I slammed a hand down on his shoulder and saved his life.

He’s been in my debt ever since. Sunday night I mothered him while he was throwing up in our toilet. Silly, Devin.

Ian
I’ve known Ian for a couple years and they’ve been good ones. He’s a funny mother fucker and hails from Columbus, Nebraska. A town that beats Council Bluffs out on the top ten shitty places to live list (sorry, buddy.)

Ian’s the kind of drinking buddy everyone should have. He leaves me funny drunk voice mails and gets a good dance party started.

More people need Ian as their pal. ‘Nuff said.

Nicole
Next we have Nicole aka NikNak aka The Nak aka Your Wasted Girlfriend’s Spokesmodel. I met her through posting on SLAM Omaha where she decided that we are twins.

So there you have it. She’s my twin.

One time, she needed to write a paper about an important experience in her life, but couldn’t think of one. So I gave her one of mine to use and naturally she aced that fucker!

So there you have it. Twins.

Jillian
Where do I begin? Oh boy.

I met Jillian over my winter break just at the start of 2002. In that time period, she’s achieved status as my favorite person ever. That’s quite an accomplishment. I should give her a trophy of some sorf.

One time we went to the see the best concert I have ever witnessed together. Elvis Costello, in Kansas City.

She’s moving back to Omaha soon and thinks I’m going to get sick of her, but I don’t forsee that being a problem.

You should probably read everything she writes too. It’ll make you laugh, and cry, and smile, and think. And the people around the water cooler will stare at you funny.

Rachel
I know Rachel because of Nicole and too much time spent at the Junction over the summer. She’s an insanely funny girl, and can probably fit in the palm of your hand.

One time we bonded over beers that we stole from the Junction while Pete, the Two Thousand year old bar tender was walking down the street to another bar, at a pace of about 60 hours a Mile. Yes, I am aware how I just typed that. The beers were Pabst Blue Ribbon which the Junction sold for a ridiculous $3 a bottle. Amazingly, they also sold Heinekin and Guinness for the same price. I never drank another PBR in that bar after I realized that.

But that’s off subject. Rachel’s a funny person and you should check her diaryland page out.

Kat
Next up we have Ms. Kaitlin “Kat” Bartik from Iowa City by way of Grayslake, Illinois. I met her last year in an enviromental science class at Iowa.

We shortly thereafter became pals and went to lots of shows together.

Though I have not seen her in many, many months, it’s always good to hear how she is, and what’s going on in her life and whatnot.

One time I made her come to an Abraham Lincoln party when she was thinking about staying in for the night, and she ended up having lots of fun like I told her she would. So there.

And last but not least we have

Bixby
Bixby is a pal from Iowa City who’s in a band with other pal’s in Iowa City. They’re called Faultlines.

They’re good lads all of them. If the others wrote anything, they’d be on here too.

I remember when Faultines came to play in Omaha, Drew and our buddy Dave were playing this game where they had to find the entire alphabet, in order, on road signs, license plates, and things of that nature.

Drew got really bent out of shape. It was hilarious.

And that’s that.

Those are my list of favorite links. You should probably work all of them into your life and center daily activities around them. Thank you.

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